Ivanka and Jared Relocate to Paris

PARIS — Moments after her father isolated the “land of the free and home of the brave” from the rest of the world by pulling out of the Paris climate change agreement, his daughter, Ivanka, and her husband, 36-year-old Jared Kushner, announced that they have decided to move to the City of Light — the brilliant city where, in 2015, President Obama made agreements with more than 190 nations to take realistic, sincere action to save the planet.


“I tried really hard to convince Daddy not to alienate the rest of the world,” Ivanka told our chief European correspondent, associate solitary reporter Larry Theis. “But this time, the ultranationalist, Steve Bannon, won out. Since I agree with the Paris agreement, it only makes sense for us to make our home here.”


Ivanka and Jared were warmly welcomed at the Elysée Palace by French President Emmanuel Macron. Ivanka told an adoring crowd that she will give them special discounts at any of her stories anywhere around the world. Kushner’s plans were unclear as of press time.