Whatever Happened to Trump's Hair in Riyadh?

RIYADH, SAUDI ARABIA — Would we be making an understatement if we were to say that Donald Trump has a credibility problem?


Earlier today, in an ornate, Mar-a-Lago style ballroom here in the Desert Kingdom,

Trump— yes, the very man who, in 2015, said “Islam hates us,” and whose first act as Commander-in-Chief was to issue a conspicuously unconstitutional Muslim travel

ban — spoke to the leaders of fifty-five Muslim-majority nations and urged them to pony up and partner with him to defeat ISIS. If they don’t, Trump said, their very souls will be in trouble.


Associate solitary reporter Fatima Aziz scanned the room to give us an immediate read on the reactions of the Muslim leaders. Aziz’ report is breathtaking, and you will never read about it in the mainstream media.


As soon as Trump finished speaking, the Muslim leaders all stood up, surrounded his very fat body, and picked up his immense physique, all the while defying King Salman and the Secret Service. Trump, of course, pissed and moaned while the Muslim leaders carried him bodily to Mecca, where they made him perform the Lesser Hajj. This included the performance of the halq, or shaving of the hair. The halq signifies the submission of one’s will to God over glorifying physical appearances. In Trump’s case, doing the halq on him required the shaving of his elaborate, manicured orange headdress.


Although the Muslim leaders eventually released him, Trump's handlers are beside themselves trying to figure out how to manage the optics when he travels to Jerusalem tomorrow to meet up with his close personal friend, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu.


Associate solitary reporter Eleazar Weitzman has already figured that out: Netanyahu will give Trump a yarmulke, with MAKE ISRAEL GREAT AGAIN in orange neon. Trump will wear it during his time in Israel.