Easter Sunday, 2017
PYONGYANG – Yesterday, North Korea celebrated the 105th birthday of its founder, 김일성 (Kim Il-sung), the grandfather of boy dictator Kim Jong-un (김정은). It’s the most important day in the North Korean calendar, always marked by bodacious displays of North Korea’s military might.
Kim Il-sung ruled North Korea as its Supreme Dictator for 46 years, until his death in 1994. His son, Kim Jong-il (김정일), succeeded him, ruling the rogue state, in the fine Kim tradition, with an iron hand, from the death of his father until his death in 2011.
Yesterday, to mark the occasion, Kim III attempted to launch a missile from Sinpo, a port city in eastern North Korea, but the launch failed.
Kim Jong-un (김정은) (Kim III) is, indeed, the boy dictator, but he has a lot of flunkies, who keep him informed of world events, so he knows who is the current occupant of the White House.
Kim III is desperate to get into a bigly fight with Donald Trump, whose warships are rapidly speeding to the Korean Peninsula in a show of force, with Trump’s number two, Mike Pence, in Seoul today.
Pence, an evangelical, and a former governor of Indiana — a state whose capital, Indianapolis, boasts a statue which celebrates the conquest of Shawnee Chief Tecumseh at the battle of Tippecanoe by then Indiana Territory Governor (and, later, the ninth president of the United States) William Henry Harrison — is in Seoul to proclaim the gospel of America First and South Korea Second, and Japan Third. Associate solitary reporter Ko Il-sun, who is based in Seoul, is with Pence.
Kim III had to figure out how to put a positive spin on the failure of his missile launch, so he whipped out a copy of Trump's The Art of the Deal. There, he found these words of wisdom from the man who lost the election to Hillary Clinton: “Always bluster mightily before going into a rant. When you begin your rant against your enemy, bestir yourself to look and act like the demon which you are. Then, flail about, terrorizing everybody who is nearby, until your enemies quake before you in despair and beg for mercy. That, quite simply, is the art of the deal.”
So Kim III (no relation to the Korean national dish, kimchee (김치)) stoked himself up with some specially flavored marijuana which had been smuggled in to him from The Centennial State, barked at his daily coterie of generals, and flew into a rage which was broadcast on his television station, Korean Central Television (조선중앙텔레비죤) while Pence spoke in tongues as a special guest of Rev. Young Hoon Lee, the pastor of Yoido Full Gospel Church, a Pentecostal church in Seoul with 480,000 members.
After Pence delivered his sermon, all 480,000 members of Yoido Full Gospel Church, led by Pastor Lee and Pence, sang “Onward Christian Soldiers” in Korean, and they, together with Gen. Vincent Brooks, Commander of US Army Korea, began a swift march from Seoul to the DMZ, a distance of only thirty miles, and, after subduing all of Kim III’s guards at the DMZ, they marched from there to Pyongyang, or a total distance of 120 miles. Pence, breathing fire and brimstone, grabbed Kim III by the cojones as Brooks and the combat-ready members of Yoido Full Gospel Church subdued General Ri Rong-gil, the First Deputy Chief of the North Korean People’s Army. Pence & Company then marched to the Yongbyon Nuke Site (녕변핵시설), 90 kilometers north of Pyongyang, and destroyed all of Kim III’s nukes.
Pence then delivered an Easter Sermon to 480,00 bemused North Koreans, none of whom had heard of Christianity. In their confusion, they fled to Yanbian Autonomous Prefecture in Northeastern Jilin Province, China, just north of North Korea, where they were arrested by Gen. Fan Changlon, (范长龙), the Vice Chairman of China’s Central Military Commission.
Unsure what to do, Pence tried to call Trump, but Fan refused permission, saying he’d have to take the matter up with President Xi Jinpin. Eventually, Xi told Fan to release Pence, Brooks, and their Korean friends, provided they would promise never again to make trouble in China’s Sphere of Influence.