THE TRUMP ORGANIZAITON, 1600 PENNSYLVANIA AVENUE NW — In his first venture into high-stakes diplomacy, and to cover his own ass, Donald Trump, the least qualified person ever to pretend to serve as Dealer-In-Chief, Twitterer-in-Chief, or Megalomanic-In-Chief, through his Secretary of State, Rex Tillerson (Exxon Mobil’s gift to diplomacy), has arranged to trade his former National Security Advisor, retired General Michael Flynn, for jailed former South Korean President Park Geun-hye.
According to associate solitary reporter Johanna Jones, the swap was made in the dark of night through Flynn’s attorneys, who offered to let Flynn testify in front of Trump’s close personal friend and ally from Tulare, California, House Intelligence Committee Chairman Devin Nunes, but only if given a grant of immunity so he can save his own ass.
“I like leaders who are corrupt,” Trump told Jones and Chief Strategist Steve Bannon, “and Miss Park was impeached and convicted of extortion, corruption, and abuse of power; and Tricky Dick Nixon was lucky as s___ to be pardoned by Gerry Ford.”
"South Koreas’s acting president, Hwang Kyo-ahn, has assured me that there are dozens of opportunities for me to build Trump resorts in South Korea.”
Bannon interrupted a tweetstorm to arrange the deal while the third Mrs. Trump languished in her luxury suite at Trump Tower while eating bonbons as she read The Art of the Deal to son Barron. “Najbolj pomembna stvar, o zmagi, je ponizati svojega nasprotnika" (“The most important thing about winning, is to humiliate your adversary.” And Barron, 11, replied sleepily, “Ja Mama, vem vse, kar storite lahko igram z mojimi igracami letal zdaj” (Yes, Mom, I know all that already, so can I play with my toy airplanes now?”)
“Once I visit whoever becomes the new president of South Korea,” Trump continued, "I’ll be able to go to the DMZ, jump over the razor wire, brave North Korean machine guns, and drive one of Mad Dog Mattis’ tanks all the way to Pyongyang, where I’ll wrestle that boy dictator punk to the ground.”
Miss Park (박근혜) was impeached and convicted of corruption charges and was removed from office, and was arrested and jailed by South Korea’s gendarmes yesterday. Her attorneys fear that Acting President Hwang Kyo-ahn will deport her to North Korea, to face immediate imprisonment in Hoeryong concentration camp for political prisoners, the northernmost of North Korea’s notorious prisons, where prisoners routinely die of starvation. Hoeryong concentration camp is completely isolated from the outside world.
박 is the daughter of South Korea’s late dictator, Park Chung-hee, who served as the president of the Third Republic of Korea. He imposed martial law before he was assassinated in 1979 by the chief of his security detail. 박’s mother, Yuk Young-soo, was assassinated in 1974 by a North Korean operative.
Reached for comment about Trump’s plan to swap Flynn for Park, associate solitary reporter Ko Il-sun texted us from Seoul, saying, “I’d rather see Miss Park spend the rest of her days in South Korea, where she can dine every day on kimchee and bulgogi, while avoiding the limelight, just as Mrs. Trump keeps Barron out of the limelight."
Attorneys for Flynn reacted with fury to the news of Tillerson's swap plan and called for his immediate resignation.