GOP Introduces RAPE Act

WASHINGTON — TrumpCare has arrived, but Sen. Rand Paul (TP-Kentucky), who wants the Affordable Care Act repealed in its entirety, proclaimed that it is “dead on arrival” in the House.


But associate solitary reporter Maggie Smith was in the House gallery as Donald Trump’s lackeys introduced the legislation, the Repeal And Protect Elites Act of 2017.


The House Ways and Means Committee will hold hearings on Paul Ryan’s plan to deprive twenty million Americans of the health care they need.


Congressman Kevin Brady (R-Texas), the Chairman of the Ways and Means Committee, explained the provisions of RAPE.


“We are extremely proud of introducing RAPE,” Brady began, “first, because it defunds Planned Parenthood; second, because the poorest families, who don’t deserve medical care anyway, can damn well take care of themselves; and three, as everybody knows, it is our strong, powerful, and deservedly wealthy leaders who should get the best care, and everybody else can shift for themselves. That’s the American way.”


As Trump watched Brady’s news conference with chief strategist Steve Bannon, he smiled his happiest smile yet, saying “Anybody in the House who doesn’t back Paul Ryan’s RAPE Act is gonna get, well, raped at the polls,” Trump said, as Bannon slapped him on the back.


Their glee was, however, short-lived, as CIA Director Mike Pompeo rushed in with news that WikiLeaks has exposed the CIA’s ability to hack into people’s smart phones and even internet TVs. “Sir,” Pompeo said, “you should end your bromance with Putin right away or you’ll have to spend the rest of your days at Mar-A-Lago."

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