UNITED STATES CAPITOL — As promised, our highly-paid staff of associate solitary reporters attended yesterday’s speech by Donald Trump to a Joint Session of Congress.
Associate solitary reporter Foma Kheroshonsky flew in from Moscow. Associate solitary reporter Larry Theis flew in from Europe. Associate solitary reporter Gary Zeman flew in from Edmonton. Associate solitary reporter Lewis Thompson flew in from his theological sabbatical in Boston. Associate solitary reporter Danielle Primrose flew in from London. Our mainstays, associate solitary reporters Johanna Jones, Maggie Smith, and Matthew Elijah Smith all sat in the gallery with your solitary reporter, each with a vomit pail by our side, because we thought we might need them.
As Kheroshonsky and his friends watched the parade of dignitaries enter the House of Representatives chamber, there, observed only by our group, was Vladimir Putin, whom Trump has embraced as one of his close personal friends.
Putin was sitting next to us in the gallery with his ambassador to Washington, Sergey Kislyak, and General Michael Flynn, who was Trump’s National Security Advisor for twenty-four days. Putin, Kislyak, and Flynn were, to a man, disappointed that Trump did not regale his audience with tales of his trip to Russia ten years ago in connection with one of his Miss Universe contests.
Throughout, we all kept our composure, so we didn’t need the barf bags, although there were some very tense moments at the outset of his speech, which began:
“Tonight, as we mark the conclusion of our celebration of Black History Month, we are reminded of our Nation’s path toward civil rights and the work that still remains… We may be a Nation divided on policies, [but] we are a country that stands united in condemning hate and evil in all its forms.”
That’s when we almost barfed, because in our group we unanimously believe that Mr. Trump is a narcissist, a misogynist, a racist, a hatemongerer, and a xenophobe. In short, he seems to us to be a man who, based on his numerous rants last year, is dedicated to making America one of the least compassionate nations on God’s sometimes green earth.
As our dedicated group left the House chamber, we, to a person, resolved to continue writing to all our readers with a satirical slant on the news.