UNITED NATIONS — Early this morning, UN Secretary-General Antonio Manuel Guterres announced that the Security Council has expelled the United States from its membership. Our chief international correspondent, associate solitary reporter Larry Theis, was with the Secretary-General at his press conference, and associate solitary reporter Gary Zeman translated the Secretary-General’s remarks from Portuguese into English.
“After Donald Trump issued his executive order last Friday, banning refuges from Syria from entering the United States,” Guterres said, “the Security Council decided that the world is much more insecure than it was when President Obama was in the White House. And your newspaper, Larry and Gary, Apocryphal Press, noted only two days ago that Mr. Trump’s National Security Council has been renamed as the National Insecurity Council.”
At the White House, Steve Bannon, who is running the show there, told associate solitary reporter Johanna Jones, “That’s good news, only I wish that we had pulled out first rather than being kicked out.”
"Now we can use all that big-time dues money and give it to the Trump Organization."
New York Mayor Bill de Blasio was perplexed at the news. “John D. Rockefeller donated the money to buy the land for the UN here in Manhattan back in 1950, so it seems odd that the UN will be continuing its good work around the world with the host country absent.”
But then Donald Trump Jr. jumped into the breach, saying “That’s easy, Bill. The Trump Organization will take over the UN building and turn it into the best casino ever."