Roberts To Boycott Inauguration

WASHINGTON — At this moment, following tradition for once, Donald Trump is attending the pre-inauguration church service at St. John’s Church, across from the White House, not knowing where Chief Justice John Roberts plans to be at noon today.


Associate solitary reporter Matthew Isaiah Smith, who covers the judiciary for us, interviewed Roberts moments ago.


Breaking all rules of etiquette and protocol, Smith began, “Good mornin', John, how ya doin’, man?”


Unfazed, Roberts replied, “Great! I have a scoop for you.”


“Glad to hear it. What’s up?”


“Instead of administering the oath of office to Donald Trump, I’m gonna stay here in my chambers and show the world what an activist judge can do.”


“At ten minutes before noon, my secretary will release a one-page order from me declaring that Donald J. Trump is unfit to be the leader of the free world.”


“I dig it, man. What’s your rationale?”


“I don’t need one. Anybody can see that he has no qualifications whatsoever for the office.”


Smith texted associate solitary reporter Johanna Jones, who told Trump’s purported Chief of Staff, Reince Priebus, who slipped a note to Trump.


Trump stood up in the middle of the church service, yelled and cussed, and demanded that Roberts be taken to an undisclosed location.


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