Because there is so much going on in Washington this week, we here at your best online satirical news source have found it necessary to hire yet another associate solitary reporter.
This morning, 79-year-old Wilbur Ross, nominated by some jerk from New York City to be the Secretary of Commerce, testified at his confirmation hearing before the Senate Commerce, Science, and Technology Committee, chaired by South Dakota’s senior senator, John Thune. Associate solitary reporter Bessie Melendez overheard Ross saying, sotto voce, to Thune, that after he renegotiates NAFTA, he will employ his five decades of experience in international trade negotiations by selling the Small Business Administration to Yayha Jammeh, the strongman of The Gambia who is supposed to leave office tomorrow, only Jammeh, having lost the presidential election to Adama Barrow, has invoked a state of emergency so he can stay in office.
“Senator,” Ross whispered, “the president-elect likes strong leaders. President Jammeh, a military guy, took power in 1994 in a military coup.”
“Mr. Trump is very much in favor of big business,” Ross continued, with only Thune and Melendez able to hear. “Although politicians love to pound the table, fervently saying that small businesses are the heart of our economy, you and I both know that that is BS.”
“John, I really don’t think that Mr. Trump’s nominee to head to the Small Business Administration — you know, the wrestling woman from Connecticut — would mind if we sell her agency to President Jammeh.”
“It would do wonders to shore up Mr. Trump’s reputation in Africa, a continent which he only plans to visit if he can put up a casino in every major city there.”
“The president-elect has vowed to do the bidding of the Tea Party and eliminate all unnecessary government programs. Getting rid of the SBA would be a marvelous start."
“Wilbur,” Thune responded, also sotto voce, “makes a lot of sense to me.”