RNC HEADQUARTERS, TRUMP TOWER — The most thin-skinned, hypersensitive, egomaniacal man ever to win the US presidency told associate solitary reporter Johanna Jones late yesterday evening that he has instructed his Attorney General-designate, Sen. Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III, to sue famed actress Meryl Streep.
Yesterday evening, Streep, accepting a lifetime achievement award at the Golden Globes, called out Donald Trump (although not by name), saying “[His] instincts to humiliate… It filters down into everybody’s life, because it kind of gives permission for other people to do the same thing. Disrespect invites disrespect. Violence invites violence. And when the powerful use their position to bully others, we all lose.”
Donald Trump is the most litigious person ever to assume the presidency.
Constantly eager to please the most xenophobic candidate ever to enter the Oval Office, Sessions, closely observed by associate solitary reporter Magalena Jewell, immediately filed suit against Streep in the United States District Court for the District of Connecticut. Streep owns a home in Salisbury, CT. Sessions served the lawsuit on Streep personally, but when Sessions rammed his way into the actress’ home with his Hummer, Streep kicked him in the cojones. Unaccustomed to such hospitable treatment by a woman, Sessions howled in pain and was found moments ago by Salisbury’s police chief, Thomas Fowler, who called in the FBI (over the protests of the Nutmeg State’s two senators, Richard Blumenthal and Chris Murphy).
Elsewhere, as reported by associate solitary reporter Mark Mutinius, at Lambeau Field in Green Bay, Bishop David Laurin Ricken, the 64-year-old bishop of the Green Bay Diocese and an ardent Green Bay Packers fan, called out New York Giants cornerback Leon Hall for his unacceptable violence in ramming star Packers wide receiver Jordy Nelson in the ribs with his helmet, benching Nelson for the game; but despite Hall’s lack of mercy to Nelson, the Packers defeated the Giants, 38-13, inspired by quarterback Aaron Rodgers’ Hail Mary pass to wide receiver Randall Cobb at the very end of the first half.
Bishop Ricken, who prays daily to the Mother of God, credited the mother of Jesus with the Packers' victory.