January 1, 2017
Happy New Year, and welcome, once again, to Apocryphal Press, the online newspaper which reports on the news that didn’t happen.
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Associate solitary reporter Johanna Jones covers president-elect Donald Trump. She is a very busy lady, because she is always near him, for example, when he tweets such gems as “Happy New Year to all, including to my many enemies and those who have fought me and lost so badly they just don’t know what to do” (to be clear, Trump really did tweet that yesterday).
Associate solitary reporter Jeremiah Weitzmann covers Israel.
Associate solitary reporters Gary Zeman and Lewis Thompson cover North America when neither of them is on sabbatical.
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Associate solitary reporter Matthew Isaiah Smith covers the Judiciary.
Associate solitary reporter Larry Theis covers Europe.
Associate solitary reporter Rho Jae-hwang covers Asia from our bureau in Seoul.
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So, patient readers all, here is today’s post:
January 1, 2017
Today, the first day of 2017, associate solitary reporter Johanna Jones, in a breaking news exclusive, tells us that Donald Trump has followed the lead of Denver Broncos Head Coach Gary Kubiak: instead of being inaugurated 19 days from today, he’s retiring completely from politics, and devoting the rest of his few remaining years to becoming as rich as Croesus.
Today, after the Denver Broncos overwhelmed their perennial rival, the Oakland Raiders, 24-6, Kubiak announced that he is stepping down.
Kubiak, 60, has experienced medical issues this season, including severe, disabling migraines, and is, accordingly, taking the wiser course.
As Jones informed us moments ago, the 70-year-old Trump just told her in an exclusive interview, from which a mob of clambering reporters was excluded, “You know, Johanna, I really accomplished everything I wanted to by winning this race. I got white blue color workers to believe in themselves again. Everybody in the USA today now believes, because of me, that the days of America welcoming everybody in the world to our sacred shores, are gone. Being President of the United States would give anybody, even me — and I'm better than anybody — migraines. I’m gonna do just as Kubiak did, by quitting now. Kubiak won the Super Bowl in February, and his team won in a blowout today over those scuzzy Raiders, and you already know what I think of every Democrat voter in California, where the Raiders play.”
“The USA will be great again under Mike Pence.”
As Trump left the interview through a trapdoor, he fell into the waiting arms of his wife, Melania, who gave him a passionate embrace, as did his 10-year-old son, Barron.
Interim DNC Chair Donna Brazile is ecstatic, and she immediately called for Hillary Rodham to be inaugurated on January 20 along with her running mate, Tim Kaine.