Donald Trump’s close personal friend Tom Brady, a resident of Massachusetts who claims to be a patriot, and 270 of his other close personal friends are meeting today in a Hamiltonian exercise known as the Electoral College.
But yesterday, after Brady and the Patriots mauled John Elway’s Denver Broncos, a solitary reporter caught up with Brady in the Patriots’ locker room at Mile High Stadium.
“SR,” Brady said, "I have to give you credit. I read your apocryphal newspaper every day, and a long time ago I decided that you are totally correct in your opinions of Donald.”
“Bill Belichick and I are both members of the EC -- you know, the Electoral College -- neither of us has ED (though Donald might), and we don’t want to go to the Kremlin.” (Previously, on December 11, we reported that because of Trump’s increasingly friendly relationships with Vladimir Putin, the Electoral College will meet today in the Kremlin.)
“So tomorrow in Boston Bill and I are casting our votes for Tim Kaine. Why? Because his wife, Anne Holton, is smarter than Hillary.”
Then suddenly, at the last minute, President Obama advised Mr. Trump that it would be unsafe for his Electors to travel to Russia because they might never be seen again. “Putin will show them around the Kremlin," Obama advised, "feed them caviar and vodka, then take them to the cage where he’s providing free rent for Edward Snowden, and then he’ll put them all in a gulag.”
So Brady called up hundreds of his fellow sports celebrities and owners, urging them to follow his lead. These are only a few of the athletes, owners of sports teams, sportscasters, NASCAR drivers (who are really only in it for the cheap thrills), and others who will do the right thing. They are all Electors because of their prominence in their communities.
Professional boxer Adrien Broner said in May that he plans to vote for Trump because “everything he’s saying is crazy, but everything he’s saying is correct.” Broner, like Bosox pitcher Clay Buchholtz, has had a change of heart.
Add to the list PGA champ John Daly, who said in March that Trump is “not politics, he's business, which is exactly what our country needs.” But having studied Trump’s extensive record of business failures much more closely (especially in Atlantic City), Daly will be voting for the junior senator from Virginia. Daly said that once Kaine takes the oath of office on January 20, he’ll join Trevor Noah on The Daily Show “because I like the name of the show, which rhymes with my name, and because I need to make some black friends.”
Yankees outfielder Johnny Damon planned to vote for Trump because he had met him once, but then he decided that Trump is not a real New Yorker because he has a house in Florida, which won’t be around for his great-great-great-grandchildren.
ESPN analyst and three-time Super Bowl tight end Mike Ditka originally endorsed Trump because Trump has “fire in his belly,” but then, after watching Trump make a fool of himself multiple times on television, he retracted his endorsement, saying that Trump “really needs to lose weight.” To that end, Ditka recommended that Trump join the Denver Athletic Club, where Colorado’s best personal trainers will quickly whip him into shape, and where Barron can lead the children’s day care program.
NASCAR Hall of Famer Bill Elliott and his son, Chase Elliott, as well as NASCAR Chairman Brian France, were originally planning to support Trump for president, but then France suddenly realized that Trump doesn’t speak French and that he would therefore be unable to have even a stupid conversation with French presidential candidate Marine LePen, the darling of France’s version of the Alt-right, from which Trump received unwavering support in his surprise victory.
Radio host and former sports commentator Mike Francesa withdrew his support from Trump after admitting that he had never listened to Prairie Home Companion, and that Trump wouldn’t understand Prairie Home Companion if he were to listen to it.
Hulk Hogan supported Trump and maintained that he alone should be Trump's vice president, but once Trump chose Indiana Gov. Mike Pence, he had a meltdown and threw in the towel. Pence had advised Trump that it would be unseemly for Hulk to show up on January 20 dressed like a complete bozo “and besides,” Pence advised, “he’s a whole lot bigger than you.”
Former Notre Dame football coach Lou Holtz originally liked Trump because the mega-billionaire “does nothing but go first class in everything,” but on mature reconsideration, he decided that Kaine, at 58, is much younger than the seventy-year old Trump, never engages in trash talking, as Trump does, and is much more compassionate than Trump, who is compassionate only to himself.
Bills offensive lineman Richie Incognito liked Trump because Trump admired his tattoos, but then Incognito thought about the matter in great detail and concluded that Trump is the most offensive person he had ever met or watched on television, and that he would much prefer to go incognito since Trump’s cognitive faculties are “way below par."
Jets owner Woody Johnson, Jeb!’s finance chairman, said Trump is way too old and that Kaine, a mere 58, is a much better public servant.
Former Purdue men’s basketball coach Gene Keady said that at the outset he liked Trump because he picked Pence, but then he had a change of heart after he recalled that Indiana had voted for Obama in 2008, and that Obama has been the most athletic basketball player to sit in the Oval Office.
Bobby Knight, legendary basketball coach for the Hoosiers, had said that Trump was the most prepared candidate in history to run for president, but then in early November he stayed out all night and realized that with Trump, there would never be any daylight.
Patriots owner Robert Kraft had supported Trump because his cheating quarterback, Tom Brady, admired him, but then concluded that Trump would cheat the American people worse than anybody, and that Kaine has never cheated anybody.
Former Patriots offensive lineman Matt Light endorsed Trump earlier this year because both of them are white, but then he decided that that wasn’t a good enough reason.
Former NASCAR driver Mark Martin liked Trump at first, but then realized that Trump is a complete phony, and, to make matters even worse, since he is much shorter than Trump, he’d rather vote for somebody sensible such as Kaine.
Former Chargers and Bills linebacker Shawne Merriman, an African American, said that Trump had always been “a good friend,” but then he talked with some folks who pointed out that Trump has never been a friend of people of color unless they admire Trump, and that Trump will never visit the new African American Museum of History and Culture on the National Mall unless he can tear it down and replace it with a casino where only wealthy guests at the new Trump International Hotel in Washington would be allowed to lose their money there.
Former Yankees General Manager Gene Michael gave Trump $800, but then Trump called up Michael and told him that that was a really low blow to his pride, and he would have to give him a whole lot more money to make America worse again.
Several NASCAR drivers, such as Ryan Newman and David Ragan, endorsed Trump at a rally in Valdosta, Georgia, but then they came to their senses and realized that Trump will drive America straight off the cliff. “Plus,” Newman said, “NASCAR uses way too much petroleum, doesn’t do anybody any good, we’re gonna run out of gas in only a few years, and I like the fact that Tim Kaine, before this year, had never lost an election that he ran for, but Trump is a loser in winner’s clothing.”
Legendary golfer Jack Nicklaus said in 2015 “I like that Trump’s turning America upside down,” but then he realized that Trump’s golf courses represent a dying brand. “Better turn all Trump’s golf courses into parks, full of trees and tall grasses,” Nicklaus said, "so people all over the world, but especially in America, can immerse themselves in nature, as they should.”
Former college basketball TV analyst Bill Packer liked Trump because the two of them organized the Tour de Trump, a cycling race, until he realized that Trump is too unathletic even to get on a bicycle.
Dennis Rodman, the flamboyant basketball star who counts North Korean dictator Kim Jungun as one of his close personal friends, originally supported Trump until he realized that Trump plans to strap him on one of America’s best nukes, a la Slim Pickens in Dr. Strangelove, so he can arrive in style on his next visit to Pyongyang and teach Kim what’s what.
Mike Tyson, the boxer, was seen walking the streets of Manhattan one day when Trump smiled at him, and that was enough.
So, to recap, Brady’s Bunch of sports illuminati have, to a man, all changed their minds about Trump, and all of them, entertainers in one form or another like Trump and therefore leaders in their respective communities, have persuaded all the remaining Electors to vote for Tim Kaine. Add to that leading Colorado Democrat Michael Baca, who challenged Colorado’s law requiring Electors to vote the same way as the Centennial State’s voters did, and you have a perfect storm leading to the inevitable conclusion that Anne Holton will be our next, and greatest, First Lady.
Brady, the Patriots’ QB, is also pleased that Kaine is receiving support from actor Mark Wahlberg, whose film Patriot’s Day, about how Boston police tracked down the Boston Marathon bombers, will be released just barely in time to qualify for the Oscars. The award-winning actor had initially decided to vote for Trump because as a native of the Dorchester section of Boston, where only toughasses survive, he developed a cocaine addiction as a youth and was well known in Dorchester for harassing African American children. Wahlberg also attacked two Vietnamese men and was charged with attempted murder, pleaded guilty to assault, and was sentenced to two years in Boston’s Deer Island jail, serving forty-five days, for which he carries a permanent felony record. “I sure as hell did some bad shit,” Wahlberg told associate solitary reporter Jerome Adams (a direct descendant of our second president), “but Donald Trump is such a shitty actor that he makes me puke."