MAR-a-LAGO ESTATES — With some 4,000 appointments to make, President-elect Donald Trump has decided to celebrate the death of Fidel Castro by nominating West Virginia’s sole Latino congressman, Alex Mooney, as his Ambassador to Cuba.
As usual, associate solitary reporter Johanna Jones was in on the deliberations.
“Sir,” Trump’s Chief Strategist, Stephen Bannon, began, “here are some names for you to consider to send to represent The Trump Organization at our embassy in Cuba.”
“I know you don’t wanna appoint any Democrats to serve the Organization in Havana, so I went to my Congressional Directory to find out how many Republican Latinos there are in the House of Representatives.”
“Here they are, Sir: Mario Rafael Diaz-Balart Caballero."
"No good," Trump said. “I don’t like Latinos, and Latinos don’t like me.”
“Ileana Ros-Lehtinen. She represents part of the Miami area, and she has been the Chairwoman of the House Foreign Affairs Committee. She’s been in Congress since 1989.”
“No good. She supported Little Marco.”
“How ‘bout Ted Cruz?”
“I would if I could, to get him out of Washington. You know, Steve, he’s gonna be my worst enemy in the Senate.”
“Then nominate him for the Supreme Court.”
“Check that out with John Roberts to see whether Ted could get along with anybody on the Court.”
“Sir, how about Alex Mooney?”
“His mother, Lala, was a Cuban refugee who escaped from Fidel’s prisons in Cuba when she was 21, right after the Bay of Pigs. He represents the 2nd Congressional District of West Virginia. His father, Vincent Mooney, is from Long Island. Alex is only 45, and he was the Chairman of the Maryland Republican Party before he moved to Charles Town, West Virginia.”
“I like that. I like the fact that he doesn’t have a Spanish name.”
Bannon immediately called Cuba’s Minister of Foreign Affairs, Bruno Rodríguez Parrilla, to inform him of the appointment.
Somewhat to Bannon’s surprise, Rodríguez Parrilla agreed, but on the condition that Trump agrees to transfer Guantánamo Bay to Cuban sovereignty. “No problem,” Trump said, with Bannon nodding in agreement, “I’ll put a casino there. I’m sure Raul will agree. I’ve just spoken with François Hollande about moving those Gitmo detainees to Devil’s Island in the jungles of French Guiana.”
“But Sir, Devil’s Island, where Dreyfus, the Jewish traitor to France, was held, was closed in 1953.”
“I’m way ahead of you, Steve. As a gesture of good will, and to help me further the Trump Organization, Hollande is gonna reopen it, and he told me personally he looks forward to visiting my Gitmo casino.”
“Sounds good, Sir, just make sure he loses a lot of euros while he’s there.”