PALM BEACH ISLAND, FLORIDA — Our Florida associate solitary reporter, Moishe Khershonsky, is embedded with associate solitary reporter Johanna Jones here, kept far away from President-elect Trump by the Secret Service.
So Khershonsky, true to the well-established traditions of this apocryphal newspaper, filed this report about Trumpsgiving.
Inside Trump’s pricey resort, Melania Trump scampered along the beach with Slovenian ambassador to the US Božo [sic] Cerar, who urged her to arrange for her husband to make Slovenia President Trump’s first state visit to Europe. Cerar said, “Bomo zgraditi igralnico Trump zanj, brez nic, bomo imeli poseben prostor za igro za Barron” ("We’ll build a Trump casino for him, free for nothing, and we’ll have a special play area for your ten-year old son, Barron”). Mrs. Trump smiled.
Senior advisor Kellyanne Conway, Chief of Staff Reince Priebus, and Chief Strategist Stephen Bannon met with Sen. Marco Rubio (TP-Florida) and Gov. Rick Scott (TP-Florida) and the NRA’s top gunslinger, Wayne LaPierre, to decide whom Trump should pick to run the Department of Health and Human Services (HHS) and the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms Division (ATF) of the Justice Department. With them was Attorney General-designate Jeff Sessions.
On October 17 (see our sitemap at apocryphalpress.com), three weeks before Trump’s surprise victory, we predicted Trump’s cabinet picks, and we named LaPierre as the Secretary of HHS. In announcing his choice of LaPierre, Trump said “The safety of all our citizens is my top concern.”
Questioned by Priebus about that remark, LaPierre said, “I appreciate that Mr. Trump wanted me to run HHS, but I think I’ll stay just where I am. After all, Pelosi and Schumer and their ilk, even though they will be in the minority in Congress, are very anti-gun, and I don’t want Democrat committee members breathing down my neck if I have to move to DC, where I’d have to testify in front of Congressional committees.”
Bannon and Sessions asked LaPierre to recommend one of his thugs to run the ATF. LaPierre said, “Our president, Allan Cors, is your man.”
Reached at the NRA's fortress-like office in Fairfax, Virginia, Cors said he is very reluctant to leave his cherished NRA, “But when Wayne and Mr. Trump say it's my patriotic duty, of course I say yes.”
In other news, your solitary reporter points out that last Sunday there was a special joint session of the House Republican Caucus and the Senate Republican Caucus. Associate solitary reporter Jeanne Smith furnished us with the details. The Democratic members of the House and Senate were locked out as the Ryan-McConnell Act to Liberate Donald Trump from Unfair Interpretations of Libel Laws was passed.
Trump, the most litigious man ever elected president of the land of the free and the home of the brave, as well as the most thin-skinned, has a well-known habit of suing people who criticize him. But now, at Trump’s urging, the Ryan-McConnell Act has passed. Its stated purpose is to reverse decades of liberal judicial rulings which have restricted libel suits against public figures. Now, mega-billionaire Trump can sue anybody who criticizes or offends him. Inexplicably, President Obama allowed the Ryan-McConnell Act to become law without his signature (maybe to allow Hillary to sue Trump for all the falsehoods he threw at her?).
Which is why, at the White House on Tuesday, President Obama conferred the Presidential Medal of Freedom on our own Johanna Jones. For months now, Jones has fearlessly reported on all of Trump’s activities, and under the Ryan-McConnell Act, she stands in great danger of being sued by Trump for everything she has done to expose his multiple idiocies.
Jones was honored with the Presidential Medal of Freedom along with Tuesday’s other recipients of the Presidential Medal of Freedom: Michael Jordan, Kareem Abdul Jabbar, Newton Minow, Ellen DeGeneres, Bruce Springsteen, Melinda and Bill Gates, Tom Hanks, and Vin Scully. Mr. Obama had to use a ladder to append the medal on Abdul Jabbar and Jordan.
In introducing Jones, the president praised her uncanny ability to be undetected in all Trump’s private meetings. “And I thought that magic had disappeared from the public square,” Obama said, as Jones beamed.
Jones emerged from her enforced anonymity to face the glare of TV cameras. Her name goes down in history as an extraordinarily persistent and intrusive reporter. She tweeted us afterward saying she is “now far more prestigious, and far better known, than the solitary reporter, whose identity has never been disclosed to me."