RNC HEADQUARTERS, TRUMP TOWER — In a breathtaking display of magnanimity – a quality which he has never previously displayed — President-elect Trump announced yesterday that he will nominate South Carolina Governor Nimrata Nikki Randhawa Haley to be Ambassador to the United Nations.
Trump’s previous appointments include GOP warhorse Reince Priebus as White House Chief of Staff, Alt-right prince Stephen Bannon as Chief Strategist, retired Marine General and leading Islamophobe Michael Flynn as National Security Advisor, and Alabama's Sen. Jeff Sessions as Attorney General.
During the undendurably long presidential primary campaign, Haley, the daughter of Sikh immigrants from India, supported Sen. Marco Rubio (TP-Florida), and was highly critical of Trump for, among other reasons, refusing to release his tax returns.
At 44, she is a rising star in the Republican Party, has no foreign policy experience whatsoever (thus making her eligible to make a fool of herself as UN Ambassador), and is clearly preparing to run for president in 2024. She was in the running for Secretary of State but lost out to former New York Mayor Rudy Giuliani, who may get the job yet.
Associate solitary reporter Johanna Jones, with the assistance of numerous burly DNC operatives, trapped Trump in the lobby of his Tower and asked him point-blank why he wants Haley to be his Ambassador to the UN.
“That’s easy,” Trump said. "I’m a businessman. I want her to take over the UN building, fill it up with my mafiosi, and arrange for the sale of the building to me so I can turn it into a casino. We do not need the United Nations.”
“Once she does that, I will appoint her to be the Director of the Women’s Bureau in the Labor Department."
Our Palmetto State associate solitary reporter, Maggie Means, is keeping a close eye on who will be the GOP’s candidate to succeed Haley. She tells us that Benghazi Investigating Supercommittee Chairman Trey Gowdy, Congressman Joe Wilson, and Congressman (and former governor) Mark “Appalachian Trail” Sanford are all vying for the nod, to run against South Carolina’s lone Democratic Congressman, Jim Clyburn, who is African American. Clyburn is the Assistant Minority Leader, and Wilson is the total jerk who infamously interrupted President Obama’s address to Congress in September 2009 by shouting “You lie!”
As of press time, the odds favor Gowdy, who’s had more ink recently because of his pet project, the Benghazi Committee, than any of the others.