J EDGAR HOOVER FBI BUILDING, WASHINGTON — Yesterday, we reported that RNC Chair Reince Priebus, House Speaker Paul Ryan, and Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell have dumped Trump into political oblivion, where he clearly belongs. Their new nominee is FBI Director James Comey, who has, without the shadow of a doubt, violated federal law by inserting himself full bore into this year’s tumultuous, too close to call presidential election.
Moments ago, associate solitary reporter Johanna Jones, ever on the job, met with Comey, Priebus, Ryan, and McConnell as they deliberated on who Comey’s running mate will be. To a man, they demanded to know what she was doing there, but she responded demurely that she was on a special assignment.
“Jimmy boy, you need a woman as your vice president,” the senior senator from Kentucky with the triple chin said in his typically portentous fashion, nodding at Jones, expecting prompt approval, which was not given.
“I defer, as in all matters, to the Leader,” Ryan said.
“Remember that woman from California who showed up on the debate stage with Demoniac Donald and eight other presidential wannabes?” Priebus said.
“Egad,” Comey said, “you want Carly Fiorina to be our next Vice President? I can’t stand the woman. She’s probably the one who colluded with Hillary on these damn emails when she was pretending to run HP!”
After an unbearably long pause, the conversation resumed.
“And Jimmy,” McConnell said, “whatever you do, you absolutely must keep totally secret anything that you know about how Putin is helping Trump. You can tell us but nobody else.”
“Will do, Mr. Leader, Sir. We actually have a great deal on that, as Putin is being extremely helpful to Trump, and Assange is too."
“By the way, Senator, what is the name which you are giving to Donald Trump’s new political party?”
“That’s easy, Jim,” Ryan said. “It’s the Know Nothing Party. All of Trump’s deplorable voters are ignorant and proud of it.”
Comey, a student of American history, and thus familiar with the Know Nothing movement, which was very influential between 1844 and 1860, said, “Well, Gentlemen, I agree with the designation you have given to Trump’s political movement.”
“But you know, Gentlemen, three years ago, Obama appointed me to a ten year term, and I am completely autonomous as FBI Director, and you may be damn sure, I never talk to Loretta Lynch.”
“I really don’t want to be president, I just want to mess with whoever the Democrats nominate for president, and all three of you gentlemen know damn well that Hillary is gonna win big time despite my best efforts to tube her. Jones here, she knows that better than any of you politicos. Trump doesn’t have the faintest idea how to win a presidential election.”
“She’s gonna nominate her husband to be her Attorney General, even though he’s not supposed to practice law, but the Dems are gonna take the Senate back – sorry about that, Mr. Leader — although probably they'll just go ahead and confirm Bill because Hillary won’t want him in the White House.”
Priebus called David Harlow, the Acting Director of the US Marshals Service, and said “David, bring three of your burliest marshals over here right away. You’re gonna take Comey to an undisclosed location until he agrees to accept Carly Fiorina as his running mate."