Still Tied Up in the Rigging, Trump Is Left Farting in the Wind; Johnson Found Stoned on Kauai

In Las Vegas yesterday evening, Donald Trump announced that he is the Ultimate Arbiter of the legitimacy of American elections.


As we reported on Tuesday, Trump was hoisted by Reince Priebus, Paul Ryan, and Mitch McConnell high up in the rigging of the Trump's Folly, which is now anchored just behind the Kennedy Center on the Potomac.


Closely observed by associate solitary reporters Johanna Jones and Jeremiah Jeremiad, Trump's campaign manager, pollster Kellyanne Conway (whose husband, George Conway, represented Paula Jones in her lawsuit against Bill Clinton), told CNN’s Dana Bash as she was walking away from the interview immediately after the third and final (thank God!) presidential debate that when the boorish billionaire loses on November 8 to the best qualified presidential candidate since Michael Dukakis, she will advise him to accept the verdict of the people. 


Although we reported yesterday that Libertarian Party presidential candidate and 2016 election spoiler Gary Johnson planned to watch the third and final presidential debate in Aleppo, he never could figure out where Aleppo is, so he guessed out of desperation that it is on Kauai. So we sent associate solitary reporter Jeanne Smith to the Garden Island, where she found him sprawled flat on his ass, torched up on weed at Black Pot Beach Park. Smith ever so rudely asked him where Aleppo is, but Johnson, who became president and CEO of Cannabis Sativa in 2014, was so stoned that he thought that Smith was either a Syrian businesswoman or a close personal friend of Jill Stein (another 2016 election spoiler).


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