Priebus' Plan to Rig Trump for Good

WASHINGTON –  Every day, Donald Trump, constantly whining and foaming at the mouth, yells that this presidential election is rigged.


RNC Chairman Reince Priebus knows full well that his party’s nominee won’t get more than 200 electoral votes on November 8. Arizona and Georgia will go for Hillary, as will Florida, North Carolina, Pennsylvania, and Ohio.


But the candidate doesn’t have a clue.


Ohio’s Republican Secretary of State, Jon Husted, speaking on CNN, called Trump’s claims of rigging “irresponsible.” Husted specifically told the GOP nominee, “… So if there is a systemic problem, please identify it. Don’t just make an allegation on Twitter. Tell me, tell the Secretaries of State around the country what the problem is so we can fix it."


So back in April, Priebus, in the presence of associate solitary reporter Juliette Morgan, persuaded RNC Co-Chair Sharon Day and Treasurer Tony Parker to spend $10 million of the RNC’s vast quantity of money to buy their nominee a barque. 


“You see,” Priebus explained to Morgan, “a barque is a sailing ship, the kind that depends on skillful sailors and wind. The rigging — you know, the ropes –  is very important because that’s what the sailors use to move the sails into position. And since Trump keeps screaming that this election is rigged, here’s what we’re gonna do. The Trump’s Folly will be delivered to me. She will be sailing up the Potomac from Chesapeake Bay. She was, of course, made in China, and she was brought to the Chesapeake Bay last week in the deepest secrecy.”


“The Trump's Folly will dock temporarily at Buzzards Point, where the Anacostia River and the Potomac meet, right here in our Nation’s Capital.”


“I have asked Mr. Trump to come down here to try to mend fences with Congress. I know that’s impossible, but I’ll use that as a ruse to get him down here.”


“Once I get him in my office, I will take him to where the barque will be anchored, right behind the Kennedy Center. It will be decorated with really bright neon signs advertising that there is a Trump casino on board. Next, Paul Ryan, Mitch McConnell, and I are gonna push him up into the rigging, tie him up, and leave him there, swinging in the breeze."


In other news, alert reader Fred Ris has suggested that Trump’s most logical choice for Secretary of Defense is Donald Trump, since he knows more than the generals.


Ris also predicts that Trump’s logical pick for Chairman of the FCC is Roger Ailes.


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