LAKELAND, FLORIDA — Yesterday, Donald Trump declared war on House Speaker Paul Ryan, calling him a weak and ineffective leader. The Trump campaign’s CEO, the premier Alt-rightist Stephen Bannon, and Trump himself, hope that Ryan will soon be dumped by his own GOP Caucus.
More tellingly, Trump announced that he is now “unshackled.”
Wondering whether Trump has any sense at all of the meaning of “unshackled" in the context of American history, our intrepid associate solitary reporter, Johanna Jones, asked him, as he emerged from his gold plated bathtub, whether he had ever read Solomon Northup’s Twelve Years a Slave or Uncle Tom’s Cabin, or the slave narratives of Fredrick Douglass and Harriet Tubman.
The mere mention of Harriet Tubman sent the mega-billionaire into a paroxysm of rage. “You talking about that lame woman who’s gonna be on the $20 bill instead of Old Hickory, that great leader who did so much to move those dirty slimy Indians way the hell out West?”
Jones proudly answered yes.
Bannon and former Trump campaign manager Corey Lewandowski then grabbed Jones by her wherever, slammed her into a cattle car, and whisked the cattle car onto Trump’s mega-jet for the candidate’s appearance today at the Southeastern Livestock Pavilion in Ocala, Florida.
There, Trump mounted the stage made up in blackface, hoping to appeal to the 20% of the population of Ocala which is African American. But suddenly, Sen. Tim Scott (TP-South Carolina) grabbed Trump to protect him as he was pummeled by Congresswoman Corinne Brown, who represents a highly gerrymandered congressional district which includes Ocala. Scott and Brown are both African American, the former being a clear traitor to his race. Guess what? Brown got the best of it. Trump had been scheduled to show off his virility at the Lakeland Linder Regional Airport, but instead he is in protective custody here in Lakeland. Lakeland’s City Manager, Anthony “Tony” Delgado, told associate solitary reporter Jeanne Smith, “We wanted to make sure that Mr. Trump will come to no harm while he is in our fair city.”
We are pleased to report that Delgado rescued Jones from the cattle car, so she’ll be back on the job bright and early tomorrow.