RNC HEADQUARTERS, TRUMP TOWER — Ever confident of victory and oblivious that he will be going down the tubes on November 8, hyper-egomaniac Donald Trump has begun finalizing his Cabinet picks.
Because of his close personal friendship with Vladimir Putin, Trump will direct the Senate to confirm Putin’s Foreign Minister, Sergei Lavrov, to succeed John Kerry as Secretary of State.
“You are sworn to secrecy,” Trump’s Campaign CEO, Stephen Bannon, told associate solitary reporter Johanna Jones.
“Tomorrow, in St. Louis,” Bannon continued, "moments before he kicks Hillary in the posterior, Mr. Trump will personally, on behalf of Trump University, confer an honorary degree on Sergei in Advanced Feline Physiology. The degree will be conferred with appropriate ceremony in one of the numerous locker rooms at Washington University."
This follows the release by The Washington Post of a 2005 NBC video showing Trump once again boasting of his sexual prowess, this time in lewd terms.
This latest evidence of the narcissistic megalomaniac's proclivity to disrespect women caused Congressman Mike Coffman (TP-Colorado), In an email to The Denver Post yesterday, to call on the mega-billionaire to quit the race. Coffman is in a tight race against State Sen. Morgan Carroll in Colorado's Sixth Congressional District, immediately east of Denver. In 2012, Coffman, following Trump’s lead, questioned the veracity of President Obama’s citizenship, saying “…in his [Obama’s] heart, he’s not an American.” Coffman walked back from that
comment — just as Trump apologized yesterday for the lewd comments he made in the 2005 NBC video (that was the first time Trump has apologized for anything during his presidential campaign).
The Colorado GOP tried hard to persuade Coffman to run against the Centennial State’s senior senator, Democrat Michael Bennet, but Coffman declined. Instead, Colorado Republicans are running Darryl Glenn, a short bald guy from Colorado Springs, to run against Bennet. Glenn is an African American version of Sen. Ted Cruz (TP-Texas).
Illinois’ endangered Republican senator, Mark Kirk, also called on Trump to get out of the race. Kirk is in a tight race against Congresswoman Tammy Duckworth, a hero of the Iraq war and an Asian American.
In Janesville, Wisconsin, House Speaker Paul Ryan, who was supposed to be campaigning with Trump, told associate solitary reporter Jeanne Smith, “I’ve had it.” Ryan instructed the Badger State’s senior senator, Ron Johnson, to call for Trump to withdraw in favor of Gov. Mike Pence (TP-Indiana). Johnson is being challenged for reelection in November by former Sen. Russ Feingold, whom Johnson defeated in 2010. Johnson is a Tea Party sympathizer.
Reached in Moscow by associate solitary reporter Larry Theis, Lavrov said he wouldn’t mind getting out from under Putin’s thumb, but that he has some concerns about living in the muggy climate of the District of Columbia.