RIO DE JANEIRO — Somewhere in the deep and dim recesses of Donald Trump’s mind, there is a molecule with a tag on it that says “Nobody in the world outside the USA likes me, except for the fantastic people of Slovenia.”
Thus, seeking to burnish his foreign policy cred, he has just announced, with a solitary reporter observing, that he will be appointing Ryan Lochte as his ambassador to Brazil.
Trump came here today to make the announcement because today is the last day of the Rio Olympics. “Ryan is my kind of American, to tell you the truth,” The Donald said. Lochte notoriously claimed that he and three other American swimmers had been assaulted by four men dressed as Brazilian police, when in fact the Americans had vandalized a bathroom in a nightclub while drunk. Lochte then had to apologize, but he lamely said that he had exaggerated the situation, rather than taking responsibility.
Acting Brazilian President Michel Temer was quick to respond to Trump’s announcement, saying “Yankee ir para casa!” (“ Yankee go home!”).
Our current Ambassador to Brazil, Liliana Ayalde, applauded Temer, saying that Trump should never have been allowed into Brazil based on his long history of making racist statements and discriminating against ethnic minorities in his real estate business.
For his part, Lochte was relieved to learn that the Brazilians don’t want him there. “I was entitled to do whatever I wanted there,” Lochte explained to associate solitary reporter John Jones, “they are supposed to be carefree people, but they’re not that way at all."