Hillary Clinton Will Name Bernie Sanders As Her Secretary of State and Aaron Goldhamer As Her Attorney General

ON THE PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGN TRAIL — After her history-making acceptance speech on Thursday in Philadelphia, Democratic presidential nominee Hillary Clinton called a solitary reporter backstage for an exclusive interview.


“SR, you are an experienced political operative, and you have a knack for being everywhere where political news is being made.”


“So you are the first to know: I’ve asked Bernie Sanders to be my Secretary of State, and he has accepted.”


"Anybody who can calm down his bitter followers and prevent them from walking out on me when I was making my victory speech has to be a master diplomat.”


The solitary reporter then gently asked Mrs. Clinton, “But Madam Secretary, Senator Sanders as your Secretary of State will greatly displease Benjamin Netanyahu.”


“True enough, but you know, SR, once I am president, I’m gonna tell Netanyahu to ____ __ __ ___ ___. Do you get my meaning?"


“Yes, Madam Secretary, I certainly do. You've made a great decision.”


The Secretary continued, “And I’m going to nominate Aaron Goldhamer to be my Attorney General. And for him, Job One will be to lock up Donald Trump, since he’s now saying he wants me locked up. He said that in Colorado Springs yesterday.”


The solitary reporter became even more enthusiastic. Goldhamer is representing Colorado’s greatest Attorney General, J.D. MacFarlane, in his suit to overturn an unwise decision by Denver Mayor Michael Hancock and Denver City Council to destroy a third of historic City Park Golf Course and replace it with an unnecessary detention pond to benefit developers elsewhere in Denver. Unbelievably, Denver’s City Council voted to approve a stormwater fee increase in connection with the detention pond at approximately 2 AM on a Tuesday morning, when most working stiffs in Denver were trying to get some sleep.


We would be remiss if we did not report that the reelection campaign of Sen. Rob Portman (R.-Ohio) against former governor Tom Strickland, a Democrat, is doomed after he was endorsed by Black Lives Matter of Cuyahoga County.


Not only that, but Donald Trump tweeted that he is proud to have the endorsement of Zimbabwe’s 92-year old corrupt thug-president, Robert Mugabe (http://qz.com/745601/zimbabwes-robert-mugabe-is-rooting-for-a-trump-presidency/).


“I started with my close personal friend Vladimir Putin,” Trump said, "and I’m just looking forward to picking up endorsements from all the world’s dictators. Believe me, they like my style. They like my style, believe me.”


“And if Nicolas Maduro of Venezuela — another dictator — wants to endorse me, that’s fine as long as I can have all his oil."


At his campaign event in Denver yesterday evening, Trump blamed President Obama for the Zika virus outbreak in Florida. “My Wall would’ve prevented that!” he yelled, as the full-throated crowd yelled its approval of the man who insulted his way to the nomination of a major political party, has had six of his businesses declare bankruptcy, and has bilked thousands, if not millions, of investors in his never-ending quest to make more and more money.


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