RNC HEADQUARTERS, TRUMP TOWER — We here at Apocryphal Press headquarters continue to posit whom Donald Trump will pick to either run with him or, more likely, run away from him after taking the vice presidential oath from Chief Justice John Roberts on January 20.
Just two days ago we threw out (and vomited as we did so) the name of Fox News CEO Roger Ailes, who has been sued for sexual harassment by Gretchen Carlson, the very successful co-host of Fox & Friends. Carlson was Miss America in 1989.
The latest brilliant insight comes from associate solitary reporter Larry Theis.
"I think it has to be Bob Knight,” Theis explained to a focus group attended the other day by your solitary reporter. "Bob Knight is an outsider. Sure, he was head coach of the Indiana Hoosiers for 29 years (so what? you might say if you care only for the Denver Broncos). He’s one of only three basketball coaches to win an NCAA title, an NIT title, and an Olympic gold medal.”
"But there’s a reason why his nickname is 'The General,' Theis continued. “He’s thrown a chair at a player at a big game. He’s continually berated both people who worked for him and people who were above him. He is full of himself — almost as full of himself as Trump is. In 1988, while he was being interviewed by Connie Chung, he said, “ ‘I think that if rape is inevitable, relax and enjoy it.' He is from Indiana, a state that The Donald needs to win, and in the Hoosier State, ‘General’ Knight is revered."
After being totally persuaded by Theis’ elucidation of the moral weaknesses of “The General," the focus group unanimously agreed that Trump’s only logical choice — even though logic has never been an element of Trump’s presidential campaign — for the nominee in waiting, is Bob Knight.
Here at Trump Tower, Trump’s powerful son-in-law, Jared Kushner, told our associate solitary reporter, John Jones, “Mr. Trump believes in reinvigorating our military, which has been decimated ever since Ronald Reagan made Gorbachev take down the Berlin Wall. Mr. Trump needs a true general to make American great again, and he has decided against General Michael Flynn as his running mate because nobody -- except at the Pentagon -- has heard of him. Mr. Trump will announce his selection of General Knight tomorrow.”
“But,” Kushner said, “tell that Theis guy that if he doesn’t vote for Mr. Trump, he’d better spend a lot more time at his home in Europe, because Mr. Trump will, on Day Two or Three of the Trump Administration, sign an executive order to deprive him of his citizenship."