RNC HEADQUARTERS, TRUMP TOWER — For months now, there has been rampant speculation about whom Donald Trump will pick to be his running mate. And time is running out for Trump ahead of his coronation in Cleveland later this month.
We here at Apocryphal Press headquarters in Denver have posited, among others, Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio and former part-time Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin.
The Volunteer State’s junior senator, Bob Corker, was smart enough to take himself out of the running. Corker would have brought gravitas to the race because he is known as a policy guy and chairs the Senate Foreign Relations Committee. Corker is also considerably better looking than the always angry combover man who wants to make America worse again.
Moments ago, a solitary reporter used a window-washing scaffold to elevate himself to the 26th floor of Trump Tower, broke into The Donald’s office, and overheard the GOP nominee in waiting in conversation with his son-in-law, Jared Kushner.
“Sir,” Kushner, with the utmost deference, began, “I suggest that you not ask Gingrich to be one heartbeat away from controlling America’s nuclear armaments.”
“He’s been out of office way too long; he bombed in 2012 against Romney; and nobody on Capitol Hill likes him.”
“How about Roger Ailes? He’s the guy who made Richard Nixon vaguely palatable to the American people.”
“I like that,” Trump said. “He’s an old goat like me and he tells his female servants — like Gretchen Carlson — what to do.”
“Let’s go with that,” Kushner said, as he instructed Paul Manafort, Trump’s chief strategist, to prepare the announcement.
Ailes’ wife, Elizabeth Tilson, was not pleased when she saw Trump making the announcement on CNN. Tilson immediately filed for divorce. But Trump, who has been married three times, was not phased one bit.