HOLLYWOOD – It took Reince Priebus, Paul Ryan, and Mitch McConnell quite a while, but they finally figured out what to do about their extraordinarily presumptuous presidential nominee.
How, you might ask?
They have decided to replace Donald Trump with a robot, which only RNC Chairman Priebus can control from RNC headquarters in Washington.
On June 11 in Park City, Utah, at an exclusive gathering hosted by the GOP’s previous presidential loser, Republican mega-donors lashed out at, among others, Ryan for failing to predict that Trumpism could take over the GOP, and for failing successfully to vet Marco Rubio to trounce Trump in the primaries.
But Priebus has a really good idea about how to fix huge political problems. “I’ve got just the solution,” the portly Wisconsin political operative told the fat cats, with a solitary reporter listening breathlessly to every word uttered by the former Wisconsin political operative.
“I’ve hired George Lucas to design a robot to replace Trump."
Priebus dialed up Lucas, who explained the plan in detail.
When the solitary reporter asked Lucas how long it will take to get the robot in place to avoid a crushing Republican defeat in November, Lucas smiled and said, “SR, this is Hollywood. We can create any kind of illusion and make people believe it’s real.”
Immediately, pundits from George Will to Ruth Marcus to David Brooks to Maureen Dowd to Ann Coulter began searching for human analogues to create a warm, fuzzy, robotic persona to replace Trump.
Eventually, the pundits, with a little help from Lucas, came up with the perfect answer: BB-8, the droid in Star Wars: The Force Awakens who finds R2-D2, making it possible for General Leia Organa to find Luke Skywalker and present him with the magic lightsaber.
Priebus and Company immediately signed a contract with Walt Disney Productions to manufacture a version of BB-8 with Trump’s trademark orange hair, replacing Trump's constantly snarling visage with Colorado GOP Sen. Cory Gardner’s constant smile.
When Trump’s top strategist and new campaign manager, Ivanka Trump, learned about the plan, he closeted himself with the real Donald Trump and convinced him to go along.
“Sir,” Manafort said, “you owe it to the political party to which you pretend to belong; to healthy relations between Slovenia and the United States; to our country; and mostly, and most importantly, to yourself.”
Trump agreed with Manafort after telling a huge rally here in Hollywood that if he were president now, he would launch at least three nukes headed directly to Pyongyang, after American intelligence agencies and South Korea’s Defense Minister, Han Min-goo, reported that North Korea had launched yet another Musudan missile test. Two Musudans were fired, and the second one fell into the Sea of Japan, 249 miles east of North Korea’s east coast. That Musudan could have easily reached Tokyo.
“It’s yet another reason why the Japanese should defend themselves instead of relying on our nuclear shield,” Trump said. “Starting on January 20, I’m gonna start reducing our horrendous national deficit by withdrawing all our forces from Japan, South Korea, and Germany. We’ll have no federal deficit at all by this time next year."