Chinese Hackers Find Nothing But Bullshit In Trump's Campaign Strategy; Trump Announces His Choice To Succeed Scalia

BEIJING – 耿惠昌 (Geng Huichang), the PRC’s Minister of State Security, is somewhat disappointed, but not surprised.


Earlier today, Director of National Intelligence James Clapper warned that US intelligence officials have “some indications” of attempted cyber attacks against this year’s presidential campaigns.


Clapper, speaking at an event hosted by the Bipartisan Policy Center, offered no details about who is waging the attacks. But he said that the Department of Homeland Security and the FBI “are doing what they can to educate both campaigns against potential cyber threats.”


But when Minister Geng hacked into the inner workings of a mega-billionaire’s doomed presidential campaign, looking for The Donald’s theory about how to take China down, there was nothing to be

found — just Trump’s campaign bluster about how the Central Kingdom is bankrupting America because America’s leaders are “stupid.”


But when Geng looked into Hillary’s secret intra-campaign communication network, he found a great deal of interest.


“The Iron Lady is at it again,” Geng said to an aide. “She slammed us really hard when she was here in 1995 for the Fourth World Conference on Women, when she came up with that horribly inane phrase, “Women’s Rights Are Human Rights.”


“To appease the Bernieites, and keep them from voting for Trump,” Geng continued, “she’s going to name Elizabeth Warren as her vice president.”


In his Tower, Trump tried to impress his supermodel wife, Melania, by telling her that he will nominate Colorado Supreme Court Justice Allison Eid to succeed the late Justice Antonin Scalia.


“Sweetie,” Trump said, “remember how the Colorado Republicans disrespected me by casting all their votes for Lyin’ Ted? Well guess what, Melly, I think I’ll get Allison to campaign with me in the Centennial State.”


When a solitary reporter called Eid’s office for a comment about Trump’s plan, he was told that the Justice was busy at work writing opinions.


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