RNC HEADQUARTERS, WASHINGTON — Donald (“Let’s Make America Worse Again!”) Trump did it again. He won another primary, this time in the Hoosier State, crushing Sen. Ted Cruz (TP-Texas), who, as usual, failed to charm Republican voters with his bad looks, greasy hair, and inflammatory rhetoric.
The "Republican establishment” – desperate since Trump's bizarre announcement in June that he was salivating at the chance to run against Hillary – is even more desperate today.
RNC Chairman Reince Priebus doesn’t like Democrats, but for reasons which we cannot explain, from time to time he confides in a solitary reporter.
“SR,” Priebus said, “I have a plan. See what you think of this.”
Ever wary of anything being done or proposed by a Republican, the solitary reporter had no choice but to listen.
“We are going to run Charles and David Koch.”
“Charles lives in Wichita, and David lives in Manhattan.”
“They are so filthy rich that they can fund this campaign to keep Hillary out of the White House, all by themselves.”
“Frank and Claire Underwood are running for president and vice president. I see no reason why Charles and David couldn’t do the same thing."
“So what do you think? Should Charles be our pick for prez, with Manhattan David his Veep?”
The solitary reporter collapsed in despair and walked all the way back to Denver.
Back in the Empire State and crowing in victory, the megabillionaire, always careful to base anything that he says on the most reliable sources (in particular, The National Enquirer) repeated what he has been saying about Cruz for several days now, that Cruz’ father was a close personal friend of Lee Harvey Oswald.
Ohio Gov. John Kasich told his campaign manager, Beth Hansen, to prepare petitions to be signed by everyone in the Buckeye State for secession to Canada.