Finally, Trump Announces Who Will Be One Heartbeat Away From Launching Nukes Against Whoever

INDIANAPOLIS —Sen. Ted Cruz (TP-Texas) continues to astound his few remaining supporters.


Yesterday, having lost all five of Tuesday’s GOP presidential primaries in the Northeast, and always craving media attention as much as Donald Trump does, Cruz named Carly Fiorina as his running mate.


You might say that he is outsourcing his presidential campaign, since Carly was really good at outsourcing jobs when she was (purportedly) running Hewlett-Packard.


Grave concerns have immediately arisen.


First, Cruz’ wife, Heidi, began wondering out loud whether she should ever take her eyes off her never-handsome husband because Carly has, as Trump acknowledged last year, “a beautiful face.”


Next, as observed by our associate solitary reporter, John Jones, supporters of Dennis Hastert – the longest-serving Republican Speaker of the US House Of Representatives (1999-2007) — wanted Cruz to name Hastert as his running mate because Hastert (unlike Cruz) actually had a slim veneer of respect for Congress (although he had little respect for ordinary working folks). Hastert was a wrestling coach in Illinois before he became a politician, where he enjoyed wrestling with — well — boys. Hastert’s Republican colleagues referred to him as The Coach.


So thousands of Hastert’s supporters — knowing full well that Cruz needs a lot of coaching –  gathered outside Cruz’ campaign office here in Indianapolis, demanding that Cruz scrub Carly, and chanting endlessly, “Pick The Coach! Pick The Coach!” 


So now, our attention must turn to Trump so we can figure out whom he will really name as his running mate so he can keep up with Lyin' Ted.


Speculation within the apocryphal world has swirled on this issue. Earlier, we reported that he would pick Rush Limbaugh; or, Sarah Palin; or Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio.


But when a solitary reporter contacted each of those strident right-wingers, to a person they said that they would refuse to serve with Trump because none of them approves of gambling and none of them wants to be subjected to Trump’s daily rants.


Even Alabama’s Sen. Jeff Sessions, the only sitting Senator who has endorsed Trump, told the solitary reporter that he will not be the bombastic mega-billionaire’s running mate. “Ah laiks servin’ in the Senate, an’ I also laiks goin’ Deep Down South to ‘Bama wheneva' Ah wanna,” Sessions said.


So the way is now clear for The Donald to name his choice for the one person who will be one heartbeat away from being Commander-in-Chief.


Yet another associate solitary reporter, Jim Smith, was at Trump Tower as the man who might be the next president of the United States, in true machismo style, which is his hallmark, rode down his gold-plated elevator to make The Announcement.


With Trump was his son, ten-year old Barron Trump. Trump is on his third marriage, and Barron is his youngest progeny.


“This kid is even smarter than I am, and that’s really saying something, let me tell you,” The Donald said to an ecstatic crowd. “And I trust him with my life.”


“It’s important for America going forward to have leadership based on family values,” Trump continued. "My voting residence is at my Mar-A-Lago Club in Florida. Barron has his own floor in my Tower in Manhattan."


"I took my cue in naming Barron to run with me from House of Cards. Claire Underwood is now running for vice-president with her husband, Frank Underwood, who is running for election as the president of the United States."


"And believe you me, when I kick Obama -- you know -- the Muslim guy that was born in Indonesia -- out of the White House on January 20, I will kill every Muslim in the Middle East, just like Kevin Spacey killed Zoe Baird and Peter Russo."


Watching the broadcast in his office in the Senate, Majority Leader Mitch McConnell smiled approvingly. “The kid obviously has a lot more maturity than his father,” McConnell said to his close personal friend, RNC Chairman Reince Priebus.


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