Bernie's Campaign Office Ransacked By HRC Sleuths

BURLINGTON, VERMONT – The old guy from the Green Mountain State won’t give up. Already, operatives in Hillary Clinton’s campaign, as well as operatives for other Democratic candidates, are trying to figure out how to access Bernie’s massive email list ( The Sanders campaign has raised $180 million, without resorting to PAC or super PAC money. Bernie’s email list, which is stored in a cloud, is considered to be a treasure trove within Democratic Party circles.


At 3 o’clock this morning, a solitary reporter was here in Burlington, where Bernie’s campaign is headquartered. 


As the solitary reporter looked on, undistinguished representatives of the Hillary Clinton campaign poured out of a stretch limousine and surrounded Bernie’s campaign office. Inside, Sanders campaign workers pounded fiercely away on their computers while tasting Ben and Jerry’s newest ice cream flavor, Bernie’s Yearning. 


While the solitary reporter observed with trepidation, all sixteen Clinton unfriendly folks pounded on the front door of Bernie’s campaign office and demanded entrance. Rev. Mara Dowdall, Minister of the Unitarian Universalist Church of Burlington,  greeted them and invited them inside. She was startled when the 16 operatives from the HRC campaign quickly locked the front door and fanned out to every nook and cranny, seized all the computers, and left precipitately. In a great hurry, they crossed Lake Champlain in a rubber boat similar to the boats used by smugglers in Turkey to transport desperate migrants hoping to get to the Greek island of Lesbos, and soon arrived in Plattsburgh, New York, which is appropriately located in Clinton County. There, they broke open all of the Feel the Bern computers, desperately searching for Bernie’s mother lode of supporters.


Back in Burlington, Sanders’ campaign manager, Jeff Weaver, shrugged off the theft, saying “We’re not really worried about it. All the intelligent voters have seen enough of Bernie, either in one of our extraordinary rallies, or on television, to know that Bernie is the best Democrat for the job."


Burlington’s Police Chief, Brandon del Pozo, agreed with Weaver that Bernie will easily defeat Donald Trump in November. Del Pozo told the solitary reporter that he did not ask Gov. Peter Shumlin, a fellow Democrat, to call in the state police to investigate the break-in. “We are fiercely independent here in the Green Mountain State," del Pozo explained. “We don’t need any outside investigators messing around here, even if they are also Vermonters."


Pennsylvania’s Democratic presidential primary is next up. Jennifer Palmieri, Clinton’s media specialist, told our associate solitary reporter, John Jones, that Hillary will win easily in the Keystone State because of the voluminous data taken from Bernie’s campaign office in Burlington.


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