Bernie's Quickie Conversation With Pope Francis At The Vatican

THE VATICAN – Yesterday, a solitary reporter, who initially supported Bernie, but who is now bowing to the inevitability (as well as the wisdom) of Hillary winning the presidential nomination of the only sensible political party in the United States, stood amid the swarm of reporters gawking at the notably independent junior senator from Vermont.


Bernie, who will lose to Hillary on Tuesday in the Empire State, came to the Vatican to attend a conference at the Pontifical Academy for Social Sciences. Bernie’s wife, Jane, is Roman Catholic, but Bernie is a secular Jew. Throughout his quixotic campaign for the presidency, Bernie has expressed admiration for Pope Francis (no doubt, one of the best Pontiffs in recent memory).


A busy man (and “a very political person” as Hillary’s opponent in November has often stated), Francis could only give Bernie five minutes, as he was on his way to Greece to commiserate with hundreds of migrants stuck on the island of Lesbos. But the solitary reporter was able to overhear this intimate conversation between the two leaders.


Amigo, mantener el buen trabajo,” Francis said, “que esta haciendo un gran trabajo de la predicación del evangelio de Jesus” (“Keep up the good work which you, my friend, are doing to fulfill the gospel of Jesus."


“Thanks, Your Holiness,” Bernie said in fluent Hebrew, “and when I win the nomination, I want you to be my running mate.”


But Francis, who has only visited the United States once in his 79 years, replied, “No, gracias, Washington es demasiado ruidoso, y no habra ningun lugar para orar, lo qui quiere decir con todos los senadores Republicanos me querer apoyar su proyectos políticos que hacen los ricos aun mas ricos” ("Washington is way too noisy, and there wouldn’t be any place for me to pray, what with all those Republican senators wanting me to support them in their haste to make the rich even richer.”)


Bernie smiled sympathetically and told the Pope that after he is elected, he will invite the Pope to visit the Wailing Wall in Jerusalem with him.


Gracias, espero verlos allí” ("Great, see you there!")


 At the end of this auspicious interview, Bernie, on his way out, said, “Gosh, Frankie, I was really hoping you would help me out with the Jewish vote in The Big Apple.”


“Don’t forget, Hillary’s a Methodist, so she won’t be able to receive communion from Your Holiness next time you come to the land of the free and the home of the brave.”


“And don’t try to convert her. She’s a very pious Protestant lady.”


“Many in America whine that she complains much too much, but those whiners are all men. Women are better than men. Ask Jane.”


The solitary reporter then became better informed of the state of retired neurosurgeon Ben Carson’s mind after he read Andy Borowitz’ report: It seems that Carson has no recollection of having run for president.


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