After Homeland Security Secretary Jeh Johnson returned your solitary reporter to his home in Denver on Saturday, the solitary reporter was called to Pyongyang, North Korea, for what he hoped would be an emergency meeting with that rogue nation’s top astrophysicists, who recently conducted a missile test designed to remind the rest of the world that North Korea is a bad-ass place.
Pretending to be Seth Rogen, the solitary reporter had a brief conversation with Kim Jong-un, First Chairman of the National Defence Commission (조선민주주의인민공화국) of the DPRK. Chairman Kim, who is no dummy, immediately noticed that the solitary reporter is not the notoriously foulmouthed actor who starred in The Interview, but was, rather, a political operative dispatched by President Obama.
“SR,” Kim began, “let me explain why we launched that missile, which you filthy imperialists think was part of a plan to toss our nukes to your vaunted shores, so we can get you guys out of South Korea once and for all.”
The solitary reporter listened, as he had no other options available.
“We want to know why millions of Americans are so enthralled with a mega-billionaire and entertainer who thinks he is entitled to be your next Great Leader. He wears an orange wig, and while he travels all around your country in his personal airplane, he either insults everyone who opposes him, or praises those whom he is trying to persuade to vote for him. He has never held elective office and he seems to think that he knows everything, and he doesn’t like me and he likes to tell everybody that I am a nut-case.”
“We also want to know why millions of Americans flock to large stadiums where they watch, and cheer or boo, men wearing helmets as they collide with each other, trying to move a weird-shaped ball from one side of a green field to another, while inflicting concussions and other grievous bodily injuries on each other.”
The solitary reporter, unable to provide any rational explanation to the boy dictator, faked a smile and complimented Kim on the attractiveness of his wife, Ri Sol-ju, and the polite behavior of his five-year old daughter.
The solitary reporter remains in Pyongyang, hoping that former president Bill Clinton will rescue him, just as President Clinton traveled to Pyongyang to rescue Euna Lee and Laura Ling, two American women journalists who were incarcerated by the North Koreans in 2009 for 140 days.
This might be a problem, since President Clinton is vigorously campaigning for his wife by doing his utmost to discredit his wife’s opponent, Bernie Sanders, a non-Democrat seeking the nomination of the Democratic Party to succeed President Obama.