Priebus Taps Paul Ryan, Megyn Kelly, Will Pay Fox News $100M/Year 'Til 2024

RNC HEADQUARTERS, WASHINGTON — As everybody knows, the GOP establishment, fully aware that Hillary will easily beat either The Donald or Ted Cruz, is running for cover, now that it knows full well that either Trump or Cruz will win the Republican nomination for president in July.


Your solitary reporter has numerous Republican friends, one of whom, whose name is being withheld at his request, explained, “SR, I don’t like any of those………. I would much rather have Paul Ryan at the top of the ticket.”


Acting completely against his self-interest, the solitary reporter called RNC Chairman Reince Priebus, who immediately said, “SR, you’re a genius! I’ll get right on it.”


When the solitary reporter asked Priebus how much he would have to pay, from his own fat pocket, to be able to choose Ryan’s running mate, he didn’t skip a beat: “SR, that’s a no-brainer! Fox News’ Megyn Kelly! She’s got the brains, she’s ultraconservative, she’s got the power, she’s got the looks, she’s blonde, she has posed in the whatever for GQ, and she hit Trump right in the cojones.”


In Los Angeles, Rupert Murdoch, the head guy at Fox Entertainment Group (which owns Fox News), said that, in consideration for permitting Megyn Kelly to quit Fox News, Priebus and the RNC will have to pay him $100 million a year until 2024.


After Priebus agreed, Kelly’s husband, Douglas Brunt, reluctantly went along with the deal, but then told our associate solitary reporter, Lewis Thompson, “You know, Lewis, I kinda like the northwest part of Washington DC, so I really wouldn’t mind having a full platoon of servants serving us night and day at Number One Observatory Circle, you know, where Joe and Jill Biden are living now."


Expect millions of Ryan/Kelly bumper stickers to be churned out of RNC headquarters no later than February 24, after Iowa, New Hampshire, South Carolina, and Nevada have all weighed in. Trump is likely to sweep all four, because it is a truth universally acknowledged that voters who are angry and frightened consistently act against their own self-interest.


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