Trump, Huckabee, Putin React to Capture of El Chapo 

ON THE GOP PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGN TRAIL – Yesterday, marines in Mexico captured Joaquin “Al Chapo” Guzmán, the head of the Sinaloa Cartel, nearly six months after his daring escape from Mexico’s highest security prison. Guzmán has been charged in the United States for exporting millions of dollars of cocaine to the US, money-laundering, and murder. For years, there have been major disputes between the United States and Mexico as to whether Chapo should be extradited to the United States.


El Chapo’s net worth is estimated to be close to $1 billion and, among Mexicans, he is second in wealth only to Carlos Slim, whom Forbes rated in 2013 as one of the wealthiest persons in the world.


A solitary reporter, attempting to be as brash as Donald Trump, asked Trump for his reaction to the recapture of Guzmán. “To tell you the truth, SR,” Trump said, “I like the guy a lot. He’s really rich and I like rich people like me. I like his entrepreneurial spirit. I’m thinking of hiring him to be the Chief Operating Officer for my company. He would be a really good operative for me.”


When the solitary reporter rudely reminded Trump that in his blockbuster announcement last summer, the mega-billionaire loudly proclaimed that all Mexicans are murderers and rapists, Trump didn’t skip a beat. “Who the hell do you think you are? I know deep down in my heart that this country needs me, and I also know that I have to suck up to the Latino voters. I see no contradiction at all. Don't you remember what I said when I launched my campaign, 'and some of them [Mexicans] are, I assume, good people'?”


Our intrepid associate solitary reporter, Lewis Thompson, is, as usual, hard at work. Thompson read the account in today's New York Times about the capture of the notorious drug lord, in which The Times reported that Chapo had been planning to make a biopic about himself (which, incidentally, is what led the Mexican authorities to Guzmán). Thompson offered to direct the biopic himself, and was heard to say, “It would be really cool if I could make a TV ad for Trump in which El Chapo says, “Donald Trump is tougher on Mexicans than anybody, so all Americans should vote for him."


The Rev. Mike Huckabee, a Baptist minister, trailing badly in the polls, offered to have an extended pastoral conversation with El Chapo in order to lead him to Christ, but the drug lord's people ripped into Huckabee because their hero is Catholic.


Even Russian President Vladimir Putin got into the act. Putin told one of his minions, “That guy is really tough, and I need people like that so I can take over all of Ukraine and, later, Syria."


Write a comment

Comments: 0