ALEXANDRIA, VIRGINIA — Here at Ben Carson for President Headquarters, Chief Researcher Don Green has been busy.
After mega-billionaire Donald Trump likened Carson, his closest rival for the GOP presidential nomination, to a child molester, Green prepared a memo for the retired neurosurgeon, urging Carson, who is ahead of Trump in the polls in Iowa, to lash out at Trump for being the jerk that he really is. Green shared his memo with a solitary reporter.
Green’s proposal, however, was not greeted with universal acclaim within Carson’s inner circle. His campaign slogan is “Heal + Inspire + Revive,” reflecting Carson’s Christian political ideology. As the solitary reporter watched, Senior Strategist Ed Brookover and Campaign Manager Barry Bennet piled onto Green, saying “Trump says that he is some version of a Presbyterian, and Jesus taught us to love our neighbor as ourselves. Shouldn’t we offer our Christ-centered love to our Christian brother, Donald, and turn the other cheek?”
“Right on!" shouted Deanna Bass, the campaign’s Press Secretary. “The salvation of the world depends on Ben campaigning strictly based on the Bible, just like his campaign platform of tithing as the basis for Ben’s proportional tax.”
But Green pressed on, saying that Trump, through his vitriolic attacks on anybody who disagrees with him, must be met with firm resolve. Green harangued his colleagues with Hebrews 11:1: “Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for…” "Dammit, you guys! I hope for nothing but the political destruction of Mr. Donald Trump, and his deportation to Mexico by Obama! And I am totally assured by the ever-living God that I am right!"
The internal debate within the Carson camp ended after about an hour, with Communications Director Doug Watts telling the solitary reporter, “SR, at their next debate, Ben’s gonna call out Donald for being on his third marriage, and to a bimbo at that, and for encouraging the poor to gamble at all his casinos. Not only that, Ben will challenge Trump with Jesus’ proclamation that it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for someone who is rich to enter the kingdom of God. Once Dr. Carson says that, our road to the nomination is clear.”
National Finance Director Amy Pass sent out a blast email to all Carson’s millions of supporters, urging them to discontinue tithing to their churches, and instead immediately sending ten percent of their weekly income to the Carson campaign, “So we can defeat the Antichrist, Donald Trump.”