RONALD REAGAN PRESIDENTIAL LIBRARY, SIMI VALLEY, CALIFORNIA — They’ve done it again.
The second GOP presidential “debate” extravaganza was held this evening here in Ronald Reagan country.
When asked directly by CNN’s Dana Bash about his conspicuously misogynistic remark about former HP CEO Carly Fiorina’s face, Donald Trump, 69 and leading in the polls among Republican voters (all of whom are unjustifiably angry, by the way), Trump quickly said, “She has a beautiful face. She’s a beautiful woman.”
Fiorina, the only woman on the stage, wore an attractive blue suit, seeking to appeal to Dems in November when she runs against Hillary. There were ten dark suits worn by the men on the stage. It was widely noted in the blogosphere that Trump wore a blue and white tie and his face was always red, thus underlining his super-patriotism.
A solitary reporter was seated in the audience with his associate solitary reporter, Lewis Thompson. Trump’s 45-year-old Slovenian supermodel wife, Melania Knauss Trump, was seated between the two Democrats (the only Democrats in the room).
Marco Rubio pledged to launch nukes against Iran and North Korea. Ted Cruz blamed W for nominating John Roberts to be the Chief Justice of the Supreme Court so Roberts could save the Affordable Care Act. Chris Christie talked endlessly about how wonderful W was after 9/11. Ben Carson smiled and was by far the cutest person on the stage, as he surgically described his Taxation By Tithing plan. Scott Walker talked boringly about how he Stood Tall against working men and women in Wisconsin. Jeb said he loves his father and his brother, but he was seen high-fiving Trump at the end.
John Kasich was the only partway sensible candidate on the stage — as usual.
All hell broke loose as Mrs. Trump threw some of her priciest jewelry at The Donald after he called Hillary’s certain opponent, Fiorina, beautiful.
CNN Moderator Jake Tapper was, for once during the evening, nonplussed as he canceled the remainder of the debate, costing his network millions and millions of dollars. Tapper immediately applied for welfare but was turned down because Hillary’s husband had ended welfare as we knew it way back in the 90s, only Jake wasn’t paying attention.
Actually, the cancellation of the remainder of the debate was a great relief to both Theocratic Party presidential candidate (and GOP presidential hopeful) Mike Huckabee, and New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie, both obese and consequently unqualified to pick a qualified, healthy individual to run the Department of Health and Human Services. During the first portion of the debate, both Huckabee and Christie seemed close to toppling over like Humpty Dumpty.
In Pyongyang, North Korea, Dictator Kim Jongun, glad to be noticed for once, after Walker and Marco Rubio brought up his name as a dangerous man, made plans to invade South Korea, and President Obama, upon the advice of Seth Rogen (costar with James Franco in The Interview) was, as usual, calm and collected, unlike any of the candidates on stage this evening during the three-hour debate.
In his closing statement, Trump, after choosing his Secret Service handle, “Humble,” walked over to Fiorina, gave her a French kiss, and invited her to be his running mate, but Fiorina, a sensible woman, kicked him in the cojones. Writhing in agony for the first time in his life, Trump begged Carson to help him, which the good doctor promptly did, but without performing brain surgery. What Carson did for Trump was to explain his version of Christianity, saying, “My good friend, casinos are totally un-Biblical."