September 4, 2015

TRUMP TOWER, NEW YORK — Always seeking to burnish his image as America’s leading xenophobe, Donald Trump, leading all summer long among Republican voters in the polls, was observed uncomfortably from a distance by a solitary reporter earlier today, as The Donald issued a challenge to the thousands of Syrians who have been desperately trying to enter Europe: “You’re all losers! You’re like all those Mexican rapists and criminals who are trying to sneak into the United States!”

Continuing in this helpful vein, Trump said “All you losers, go to Mexico, stay there 'til I become president, and then try to wiggle your way into my country, because you won’t be able to get past my wall!”

Alarmed by this invective, Mexico’s president, Enrique Pena Nieto, called President Obama, saying “Barack, I’m just like everybody else, I’m scared to death of Donald Trump, and I have way too many problems in my country to hold all those Syrians who are trapped right now in Hungary. What should I do?”

Calm as usual, Obama replied, “Enrique, I’d like to help you out, but that’s Europe’s problem. Having said that, however, if you really want to help me out, send me even more of your petroleum for my attack planes and a lot of soldiers so we can take out Bashar al-Assad. He’s the real baddie in all this.”

Elsewhere, another presidential candidate, Sen. Ted Cruz (TP-Texas), who is extremely fond of criticizing activist judges, loudly criticized US District Judge Richard Berman “for his activism in making it possible for Tom Brady to beat my Houston Texans and my Dallas Cowboys this season." 

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