CONCORD, NEW HAMPSHIRE — As 19 Republican presidential candidates, including former Hewlett-Packard CEO and failed California Republican Senate candidate Carly Fiorina, spoke here yesterday at the Granite State’s first presidential cattle call event, the mainstream media failed to report that a solitary reporter obstreperously yelled out to the assembled group, “Why in the world should New Hampshire control the destiny of the nation and the world every four years by having this stupid-ass First in the Nation presidential primary?”

Every four years, presidential candidates make fools of themselves by traipsing through the snow in Libertarian-trending New Hampshire, shaking hands with every potential voter. Any presidential candidate, whether a Democrat or a Republican, who refuses to cater to New Hampshire’s cranky electorate, which insists on seeing every presidential candidate up close and personal, is destined to lose any hope of becoming president. Only 6% of New Hampshire voters are persons of color, making New Hampshire ridiculously unrepresentative of the American electorate as a whole.

New Hampshire has held a presidential primary since 1916, but it did not begin to assume its current importance until 1952 after the state simplified its ballot access laws in 1949 seeking to boost voter turnout, when Dwight Eisenhower demonstrated broad voter appeal by defeating Robert A. Taft, "Mr. Republican", who had been favored for the nomination, and Estes Kefauver defeated incumbent President Harry S. Truman, leading Truman to abandon his campaign for a second term of his own.

As soon as the solitary reporter disrupted the carefully orchestrated proceedings, Jennifer Horn, Chairman of the New Hampshire Republican Party Executive Committee, slugged the solitary reporter and hauled him away to his barn in Carroll County, in northern New Hampshire, and placed him under house arrest.

Even the state’s Democratic governor, Maggie Hassan, spoke in favor of retaining the New Hampshire First in the Nation presidential primary. “If we were to do away with that,” the governor said, “nobody would pay any attention to us."

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