LYNCHBURG, VIRGINIA — Although Sen. Ted Cruz (TP-Texas) announced yesterday here at Liberty University that he is running for president, none of the media reported the most unusual aspect of the event, which not even Jon Stewart noted yesterday. Breaking with tradition, Cruz told his student audience of his choice of a running mate. It is therefore the solitary reporter’s duty to file this report.
“I’ve been criticized by some of the Republican power brokers in my home state of Texas, including my rival, Rick Perry,” Cruz said, “for not kicking off my campaign in Texas. But that’s because my running mate is a proud son of Virginia, who should have been elected as a Republican to the U.S. Senate in 1994.”
“As Dick Cheney proved for eight years, being Vice President carries more power than being president,” Cruz continued, “and I hate the guessing game that happens every four years when the presidential nominee doesn’t have to name his running mate until he wins the nomination, so I am now introducing to you loyal Virginians the next Vice President of the United States. He’s a national hero.”
The jubilant crowd was then treated to the sight of Cruz ushering Oliver North onto the stage, to thunderous applause.
When North, the mastermind in the Iran Contra scandal under former B movie actor Ronald Reagan, ran as a Republican for the Senate in 1994, John Warner, a Republican, had already been elected to the Senate. Although North won the Republican nomination, Warner refused to endorse him, instead endorsing another Republican who ran as an Independent, resulting in Democrat Chuck Robb, LBJ’s son-in-law, winning the election, and serving two terms in the Senate. In 1989, North was convicted of three felonies, but his conviction was later reversed on appeal when the appeals court found that the trial might have been impermissibly affected by his immunized congressional testimony on the Iran Contra scandal.
As the students, who were required to attend Sen. Ted Cruz’ otherwise lackluster announcement, the solitary reporter yelled out: “Ollie, since you were in charge under Reagan of illegally selling US weapons to Iran, and then using the profits to fund the Contras in Nicaragua, what is your plan for dealing with Iran now?"
North said that he would use his extensive contacts in Iran to overthrow the Iranian government, as Cruz beamed his approval.
(Today, Sen. Ted Cruz’ adoring fans in the Tea Party called for his resignation from the Senate, and to drop his quixotic presidential campaign immediately, because, as he told CNN’s Dana Bash, he is signing up for Obamacare.)