JERUSALEM — Just as Team USA elected an African American president eight and a half years ago, Israel has just elected its first Palestinian prime minister, Ayman Oleh. The results were announced moments ago by a solitary reporter.

Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu, who recently received the GOP nomination for president of the United States after his campaign speech before both Houses of Congress (see our post of March 4), came in third, after Isaac (“Bougie”) Herzog, Chairman of the Labor Party. Herzog and Oleh, a brilliant, charismatic 40-year-old Palestinian lawyer who coalesced four splintered Palestinian political parties into the Arab Alliance, campaigned among Palestinian Israelis (who make up twenty percent of the population of Israel) and fair-minded Jewish Israelis to dump Netanyahu, who has permanently soured relations between Israel and the United States.

“It is very important to make peace with our Palestinian brothers and sisters,” Herzog explained to the solitary reporter, after agreeing to form a coalition government with Oleh. "Although my party received more votes than his, he’s younger and cuter than I am. It’s time for Israel to forge forward, not backward.”

At press time, Secretary of Defense Ashton Carter tweeted President Obama, saying he is worried that Israeli nukes might be launched, not in an easterly direction toward Iran, but in a westerly direction.

In other news, The Denver Post, which has been for sale for months now, has been sold to Apocryphal Press. Expect a different type of news from your Denver daily from now on.

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