MONTGOMERY, ALABAMA — After lambasting President Obama, House Majority Leader Kevin McCarthy, and Congressman John Lewis (D.-Alabama) for raising a ruckus while marching over the Edmund Pettus Bridge over the Alabama River over the weekend, Alabama’s Chief Justice, Roy (“The Ten Commandments Judge”) Moore told the Heart of Dixie State’s governor, Robert Bentley, in the presence of a solitary reporter, that the Edmund Pettus Bridge should be renamed after him.
“I’m the only Chief Justice in these so-called United States to stand up for Biblical marriage,” Moore told the governor, “and Edmund Pettus, beloved of God, died 114 years ago.”
“Those outside agitators who came down to Selma stirring up all that trouble 50 years ago think they’re so damn righteous,” Moore continued, “but Goddammit, Governor, I’m standing up for God and country.”
Upon learning of Moore’s demand, Pamela Trammell, Governor-General of the United Daughters of the Confederacy, marched into the Governor’s Office and excoriated Moore for seeking to dishonor the sacred memory of Edmund Pettus, a Confederate general and Grand Dragon of the Ku Klux Klan.
Flustered, Bentley told Trammell and Moore that he would have to consult in the matter with David Duke’s close personal friend, House Majority Whip Steve Scalise, and RNC Chairman Reince Priebus.
As of press time, the Edmund Pettus Bridge still honors the memory of Edmund Pettus.