DOLBY THEATER, LOS ANGELES — After accepting the Oscar for Best Picture and Best Director yesterday evening, Mexican filmmaker Alejandro González Iñárritu went backstage, where he was immediately pummeled by Tea Party presidential candidate Ted Cruz. A solitary reporter observed the proceedings.
“Go home to Mexico City where you belong!” Cruz shouted. “You have no right to infiltrate our megaglitz movie industry,” the junior senator from Texas said.
Cruz got to where he is now by defeating, in the 2012 GOP primary in Texas, Gov. Rick Perry’s candidate, Lieut. Gov. David Dewhurst, with the support of, guess who, Alaska pinup girl Sarah Palin and Senators Jim DeMint (TP-SC) and Mike Lee (TP-Utah).
González Iñárritu responded, in perfect Spanish (which Cruz speaks — although he only speaks Spanish to his presidential rival, Marco Rubio (TP-Florida)), “Honorable Senator, you are very powerful, so please do not demand that Homeland Security Secretary Jeh Johnson revoke my visa!"
González Iñárritu, one of Hollywood’s darlings, won Best Picture for Birdman, Or The Unexpected Virtue of Ignorance, in which a psychotic, alcoholic, washed-out former superhero movie actor, played by Michael Keaton, is desperate to make a comeback by acting, directing, and producing a play based on perpetual alcoholic Raymond Carver’s short story, What We Talk About When We Talk About Love.
Having seen Birdman, the solitary reporter was not, at first, sympathetic with González Iñárritu’s plight, because the solitary reporter wanted either Selma or The Theory of Everything (in which Eddie Redmayne won Best Actor for playing Stephen Hawking) to win for Best Picture. However, the solitary reporter’s humanitarian instincts jolted him into calling California Gov. Jerry Brown on his cell phone. Two minutes later, the beautiful Attorney General of California, Kamala Harris, arrived with several burly agents of the California Bureau of Investigation, and arrested Cruz.
The immediate result was that Cruz was unable to vote in the Senate this afternoon as Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell continued in his effort to defund the Department of Homeland Security by depriving President Obama of the opportunity to ensure the safety and security of some five million illegal immigrants, the majority of them from Central and South America.
After González Iñárritu was treated for his broken ribs in the emergency room of nearby Good Samaritan Hospital, he thanked the solitary reporter and boarded his private jet to Bridger’s Wells, Nevada, where he is filming his next film, The Revenant, a Western revenge thriller starring Leonardo DiCaprio.