MONTGOMERY, ALABAMA — It has finally happened.

The True Destiny of Alabama, the Heart of Dixie, has been fulfilled.

Under the stirring leadership of Judge Roy (“The Ten Commandments Judge”) Moore, currently, and for the second time, Chief Justice of Alabama, and Governor Robert Bentley, also a Republican, and for no other reason than the reality that the Supreme Court of the United States will, this year, uphold the right of persons of the same gender to marry each other, Alabama is no longer part of the United States.

These boring developments were observed and clearly documented today by a solitary reporter.

Chief Justice Moore has his heart set on challenging the federal government at every possible opportunity. Interviewed on NPR yesterday, he reignited the passions which began our Civil War — — a war which, incidentally, the South, and not the North (as commonly supposed) won.

Moore, clearly the most incendiary judge ever to hold forth in the American South, told NPR yesterday that when the US Supreme Court rules unconstitutional all state laws forbidding same-sex marriage, he still intends to badger judges under his jurisdiction, instructing them that under the laws of God (“The Supreme Ruler Of Mankind”), they are not required to officiate at same-sex marriages.

That’s why he and Gov. Bentley have broken away from the Union. Moore will be President of the Independent Republic of Alabama. Bentley will be its Vice-President.

These developments were welcomed by Russian President Vladimir Putin, who has been meeting in Minsk with German Chancellor Angela Merkel, French President François Hollande, and Ukrainian President Petro Poroshenko. Just as Putin was about to cave in to Western demands to restore the territorial integrity of Ukraine, the news came that Alabama has seceded from the United States.

Quickly regaining his composure, Putin announced that he has annexed Alabama.

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