SEATTLE — The Seattle Seahawks, who humiliated the Denver Broncos in Super Bowl XLVIII, 43-8, were about to come from behind to defeat the Champions of Cheating, the New England Patriots, in yesterday’s Super Bowl.
With 26 seconds and one timeout left and three chances to punch it in from the 1 yard line with running back Marshawn “Beast Mode”
Lynch — – whose running style most closely resembles that of a medium-size bulldozer – — Seattle’s offensive coordinator, Darrell Bevell, told the Seahawks’ ace quarterback, Russell Wilson, to throw a touchdown pass to receiver Ricardo Lockette on an inside slant through traffic. The Patriots’ rookie cornerback, Malcolm Butler, caught the pass, securing the 28-24 victory for New England.
This morning, a solitary reporter, bemused by all the problems surrounding the construction of a tunnel under Seattle’s Alaskan Way Viaduct, was given a tour of the project by Seattle’s mayor, Ed Murray, the primary proponent of the project to construct a deep-bore tunnel underneath the city along Seattle’s historic waterfront, to replace the unsafe viaduct.
Mayor Murray was shocked to discover that Bevell was 60 feet under the surface, engaged in strenuous conversation with Big Bertha, the tunnel-boring machine made by Hitachi in Japan.
Observing along with Murray and the solitary reporter was a large crowd of outraged Seahawks fans, all members of the notorious "12th Man," who yelled and screamed that Bevell and Seahawks Coach Pete Carroll had made the worst call in football history, and that they should have told Wilson to hand off the ball, deflated or not, to Lynch, to notch the touchdown in the final seconds and win the game.
After the regulation 60 minutes, the tumult subsided, and the fans began to wonder what Bevell was saying to Big Bertha and, more importantly, what Bertha was saying to him.
“Bertha was very compassionate,” Bevell explained, as he clawed his way up to the surface. “She told me to go to Holy Mountain Brewing Company on Elliott Avenue, drink to my heart’s content, and then sleep it off.”
“Well, at least Bertha didn’t tell him to go get drunk on Coors,” the solitary reporter remarked.