UNITED STATES CAPITOL — A solitary reporter has learned that President Obama will, in Tuesday’s State of the Union Address, ask Congress to increase taxes on the rich to benefit the middle class
(and – — shockingly — — the lower classes as well). Ninety-nine percent of the impact of the tax increases would fall on the top one percent of earners. Now that the US economy is improving, albeit modestly, the president will describe this economic recovery in his State of the Union Address as “America’s Resurgence."
Earlier today, the solitary reporter rushed into Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell’s office, where Kentucky’s senior senator, who conspicuously resembles a turtle who can barely move, told the solitary reporter that the only Senators attending the State of the Union Address will be Democrats and Bernie Sanders (I-Vermont) and Angus King (I-Maine), both sturdy independent New Englanders who caucus with the Democrats.
Bemoaning the fate of our body politic, the solitary reporter then ran headlong into Speaker John Boehner under the Capitol Rotunda, where Boehner, whose job leading House Republicans most closely resembles herding ferile cats, was berating Congressman Doug Lamborn (TP-Colorado) for barely campaigning at all in his successful campaign in 2014 against Retired Major General Irv Halter, his Democratic opponent. Lamborn received 60% of the vote to Halter’s 40%. The solitary reporter attended the only fundraising event held in Denver on Halter’s behalf, in October. Lamborn represents Colorado Springs, home of Focus on the Family, a major opponent of gay rights. Lamborn, though unpopular in his own District, was so confident that he would easily defeat Halter that, according to The Colorado Springs Independent, he loaned his campaign $100,000 from his personal account and later received $2,272 in interest, a transaction which would have been perfectly legal if the Congressman had initially reported that the loan was intended to accrue interest. Before catching the redeye to Washington, the solitary reporter demanded that the Federal Election Commission investigate the matter.
The solitary reporter, trying, as always, to escape being smothered by Republicans whom he loves to offend, then tried to bolt out of the Capitol to run to Pennsylvania Avenue on his way to the White House to congratulate Obama for being being aggressive, for once, against Congressional Republicans, but he was tackled by House Majority Leader Kevin McCarthy.
As McCarthy was throwing the solitary reporter to the ground, he yelled at the solitary reporter, who is well known for providing Peroni beer, which is brewed in Italy, to his most important guests. Screaming at the top of his lungs, McCarthy told the solitary reporter that it is unpatriotic to serve foreign alcoholic beverages to his guests. McCarthy does not support renewing the charter of the Export-Import Bank of the US, as he expects the private sector to take over the role.
As of press time, the solitary reporter is under the watchful eye of Paul Irving, the House of Representatives’ Sergeant at Arms, after McCarthy ordered Irving to throw the solitary reporter into the dungeon located sixty feet under the Capitol’s Visitor Center. Any generous readers who would like to contribute to a fund to post bail for the solitary reporter may send contributions to:
Tom Korson, Editor and Publisher
Apocryphal Press
5757 E. 22nd Ave.
Denver, CO 80207-3901
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