December 2, 2014
SONY CITY, MINATO, JAPAN — North Korea’s Supreme Leader, Kim Jong-un, arrived here today, piloting a Chinese-made Chengdu F-7 fighter, and met Sony’s CEO, Kazuo Hirai, at a nearby Starbucks, where the two were closely observed by a solitary reporter.
On Christmas Day, Sony will release The Interview, a blockbuster film starring James Franco and Seth Rogen, who play two American journalists to whom Kim has granted an interview. The CIA recruits them to assassinate Kim. But Kim, a man known only to laugh when he can provoke fear from the US government, does not consider this movie to be at all funny, and has demanded that President Obama and Japanese Prime Minister Shinzo Abe order the movie to be shuttered.
The solitary reporter learned on NPR today, in an article by Sam Sanders, that it is widely suspected that North Korea has, in retaliation, hacked Sony’s computer infrastructure, causing the leak of several Sony films, and also disrupting Internet communications within Sony.
As the solitary reporter leaned forward to catch every word exchanged between Kim and Hirai, as they were speaking a mixture of Korean and Japanese, he distinctly heard the portly Kim tell Hirai-san, “Do you really want me to obliterate your gigantic office building and studio?”
Obstinate, Hirai recalled the iconic 1954 Akira Kurosawa film, Seven Samurai, (七人の侍), a three-hour epic in which seven ronin (out of work samurai) who successfully defend a peasant village from marauding bandits. “In such case,” Hirai said, “my friend Barack Obama and his Air Force will destroy all of Pyongyang. Barack will be my Kambei
Shimada — the leader of the seven samurai (played by Takashi Shimura in the movie).”
Kim immediately stormed out to a waiting North Korean helicopter, which took him to his Chengdu F-7. This, after the solitary reporter pleaded with Kim to tweet his close personal friend Dennis Rodman to avert The Apocalypse.