LOUISVILLE, KENTUCKY — Bursting with pride at his victory over Democrat Alison Lundergan Grimes yesterday, Sen. Mitch McConnell, who assumes that his GOP colleagues in the Senate will now choose him as their Majority Leader, demanded that President Obama immediately declare war on the Islamic State.

Exuding supernatural confidence, the portentous McConnell, elected to a sixth term, masterminded the national GOP strategy of attacking Obama in every close Senate race, tricking voters into thinking that Obama was actually on the ballot.

“In 2008,” McConnell explained, “Obama hammered away at President Bush for invading Iraq instead of finishing off the Taliban in Afghanistan. But once he got into office, he spent too much time getting ready to pull our troops out of Afghanistan, while the Islamic State captured much of Iraq, even to the point of threatening to capture Baghdad. It’s time for another all-out war in the Middle East.”

In Arizona, as a solitary observer watched, Sen. John McCain claimed credit for McConnell’s warlike stance. McCain told a cheering crowd in Phoenix that he intends to put on his  naval uniform to command all destroyers in the Fifth Fleet and close the Strait of Hormuz, preventing Iraq, Iran, and Saudi Arabia, as well as the Emirates, from shipping oil to the rest of the world. 

The Strait of Hormuz is the only sea passage from the Persian Gulf to the open ocean and is one of the world's most strategically important choke points. About 20% of the world's petroleum, and about 35% of the petroleum traded by sea, passes through the strait, making it a highly important strategic location for international trade.

“There is plenty of oil in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge,” McCain said. “I know that because my running mate, Sarah Palin, told me about it. There  is no reason why we shouldn’t take all of it right now to defeat the Islamic State jihadists. And we’ll  get the rest of the oil we need from fracking wherever we need to.”

After the solitary reporter told Secretary of Defense Chuck Hagel about McCain’s plans, Hagel said, “As much as McCain is a pain in the wazoo in the Senate, he’s relatively harmless there, as long as I have this job here in the Pentagon.”

Christian fundamentalists, led by Tony Perkins of the Family Research Council and Tim LaHaye, author of the apocalyptic fiction series Left Behind, urged their followers to prepare for Armageddon.

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