YUMA, COLORADO — Looking incorrigibly photogenic on the front porch of the home of his great-grandparents here in Yuma County — a county in Eastern Colorado which borders Kansas — GOP senatorial candidate Cory Gardner told a solitary reporter that Bill Clinton, of all people, has a great idea.

Yesterday, in Aurora, Clinton rallied the Democratic faithful in support of Gardner’s opponent, Sen. Mark Udall. Gardner, a member of the Tea Party, is considered likely to win when the votes are counted a week from today.

In stumping for Udall, Clinton said that Gardner “wants you to stop thinking because if you thought (about it), you would have to vote for Mark Udall for senator.”

“Clinton has just given me a terrific idea,” Gardner told the solitary reporter. “The 'Know Nothings’ were a nativist political party in the 1850s. They felt intimidated by the waves of German and Irish Catholic immigrants coming into the country, taking jobs and land and power away from their idea of a Protestant America.”

“And I’m a Lutheran."

“As far as I’m concerned,” Gardner continued, "Coloradans are afraid of illegal immigrants. Fear is very useful in political campaigns. Sitting now in the White House is President Ebola. That’s catchy, isn’t it?”

“That’s  why I’m sitting here comfortably in my hometown, living in my great grandparents' house, while Udall has to get both Clintons, Obama’s wife, and thousands of people coming from the east coast trying to save his Senate seat. I’m going to shake up the Senate in January by kissing up to Mitch McConnell so he’ll put me on the Judiciary Committee when he becomes Majority Leader.”

"Sen. McConnell will then assign me as Chairman of the Subcommittee on Immigration, Refugees, and Border Security."

“Next, Mitch and I will rename the Republican Party. The Know Nothing Party has a great future. The less the people know what we do in the Senate, the better it will be for them."

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