ST. KILDA, OUTER HEBRIDES, SCOTLAND — Interviewed by a solitary reporter here on a rocky outcrop on this uninhabited island, Scottish First Minister Alex Salmon, leader of the Scottish National Party, smarting over his lopsided loss in yesterday’s secession vote, has offered to lead the northernmost parts of Scotland to an independence vote from the United Kingdom, together with the Falkland Islands (also known in Argentina as Islas Malvinas).
In his exquisite brogue, Salmon said, “My time as First Minister is nearly over, so I’m resigning my post, but I’m making myself available to the people of the Outer Hebrides, the Orkneys, and the Falklands to lead a drive for their independence from the United Kingdom.”
From her castle in Balmoral, Queen Elizabeth II thanked Salmon for his service to her subjects in Scotland, while at 10 Downing Street, Prime Minister David Cameron sent a tweet to Salmon thanking him for insuring the temporary continuation of the British pound.
Fans of the Karla Trilogy by John le Carré immediately thought of Percy Alleline, one of the top dogs in Cambridge Circus in Tinker, Tailor, Sailor, Spy. Alleline, a rough and tumble Scotsman exquisitely played in the 2011 film by Toby Jones, assumed control of the UK's Special Intelligence Service after Control died. Alleline would no doubt have been in favor of independence for Scotland as long as he would have been named Scotland’s top spy in charge of the UK’s nukes, many of which are based in Scotland.
In Greeley, Colorado, Weld County Commissioner Sean Conway, a Republican who led a recent failed movement in favor of secession of eleven northeastern Colorado counties to form an independent country, tried to call Salmon to offer his support, but Salmon refused to accept the call on the ground that Conway lacks a Wikipedia entry.
In Stanley, Falkland Islands, Governor Colin Roberts pondered Salmon’s suggestion of an independent nation for the Outer Hebrides, the Orkneys, and The Falkland Islands. “Not such a bad idea,” Roberts said, "but the capital would have to be in the middle of the Atlantic, quite possibly St. Helena, where Napoleon Bonaparte had comfy lodgings for a few years.”
“Or, maybe, Ascension Island. From there, we could all go straight to Heaven when our time here is done."