WASHINGTON — Immediately after the United States Court of Appeals for the District of Columbia Circuit issued its 2-1 decision today, invalidating a key provision of the Affordable Care Act, the Court’s Chief Judge, Merrick B. Garland, announced in an en banc hearing of all 18 judges of the Court that, in his capacity as Chief Judge, he will be administering the ACA in its entirety.


“Ms. Burwel, the Secretary of Health and Human Services, seems like a nice enough lady,” Garland said, sotto voce, to a solitary reporter, “but she’s just not up to the job.” 


“My doctor told me,” Garland, 61, continued, “that the secret to good health during the aging process is staying active. That’s why we are called activist judges.”


Garland’s announcement was greeted with indescribable glee by Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell, who, as a matter of professional and political discourtesy, routinely opposes any proposal put forth by President Obama. 


Looking even uglier than usual, McConnell was observed embracing RNC Chair Reince Priebus, shouting “We have overcome!” 


Leaving RNC headquarters to continue the celebration, McConnell began preparations for the inauguration of Rick Perry as the nation’s 45th president on January 20, 2017. When he was able to remember the name of the Department of Health and Human Services, Perry refused to allow Texas to have anything to do with the implementation of the Affordable Care Act.


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