PARK HILL, COLORADO — Thirty-nine year old Congressman Cory Gardner (TP-Colorado), who most closely resembles a chipmunk, invaded this Democratic enclave within Denver this afternoon at the annual Park Hill Fourth of July Parade. Park Hill is an overwhelmingly Democratic municipality.
Gardner hopes to upset Sen. Mark Udall (D.-Colorado) in the midterms. Sen. Udall enjoys climbing mountains and waging war on pine beetles from his seat as a member of the Armed Services Committee.
In 2010, Gardner supported the so-called Personhood Amendment, which, if it had been passed by Colorado voters, would have defined pregnancy as beginning at the moment of conception. The proposal was sponsored by Personhood USA in an attempt to challenge Roe v. Wade. But running statewide, Gardner has attempted unsuccessfully to flip-flop on the issue, and he trails Udall in the polls, despite receiving megabucks from various conservative political action committees.
Colorado House District 8 Democrats, led by State Representative Beth McCann and District 8 Captain Aaron Goldhamer, immediately followed Gardner in the parade. Much to the horror of McCann and Goldhamer, a solitary reporter rushed onto the parade route and tackled Gardner, the paunchy Congressman, but the Vegan Contingent, fearing that the solitary reporter might bite the Congressman just as Uruguayan striker Luis Suarez bit Italy’s Giorgio Chiellini during the World Cup, tackled the solitary reporter and dumped him on the sidewalk of East 23rd Avenue. “Eating chipmunks is not a good idea,” a vegan spokesperson explained to no one in particular.
Udall, however, lost hundreds of Democratic votes by absenting himself from the parade, as did another Democrat, Gov. John Hickenlooper, also up for reelection. Hickenlooper and his wife, noted author Helen Thorpe, own a home in Park Hill.
The highlight of this year’s parade featured prominent Park Hill grocers Jerry and Mary Ellen Spinelli. Later this month they will move to Las Vegas, where Jerry Spinelli will run for election to the City Council in Ward 3 against Bob Coffin, who is half Mexican American. Spinelli, a Son of Italy, became the overwhelming favorite in the race as soon as word leaked out that he is moving to the Gambling Capital of the World.
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